W. C. Fields Quotes - Page 7

Quotes about:

• What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.

  W. C. Fields

  Mother, Brother, Sunshine

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.

  W. C. Fields

  Names, Four, Letters

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• I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.

  W. C. Fields

  Mother, My Own

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• Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

  W. C. Fields

  Fog, Philadelphia, Lasts

  Quoted in "Godfrey Daniels!," ed. Richard J. Anobile (1975)

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• Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.

  W. C. Fields

  Money, Advice, Might

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• Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

  W. C. Fields

  Drinking, Pineapples, Juice

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• I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.

  W. C. Fields

  Business, Race, Years

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• It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

  W. C. Fields

  Agents, Presses

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• I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.

  W. C. Fields

  Drink

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• I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

  W. C. Fields

  Inspirational, Funny, Book

  In Corey Ford Time of Laughter (1970) p. 182

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• I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.

  W. C. Fields

  Would Be, Lines, Remember

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• Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.

  W. C. Fields

  Men, Saws, Saddest

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• There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.

  W. C. Fields

  Sex

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• It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.

  W. C. Fields

  Marriage, Girl, Father

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• I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

  W. C. Fields

  Thinking, Long, Church

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• Happiness means quiet nerves.

  W. C. Fields

  Mean, Nerves, Quiet

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• I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

  W. C. Fields

  Drinking, Food, Night

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• The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike.

  W. C. Fields

  Differences, Directors, Peculiar

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• In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.

  W. C. Fields

  Lying, Cities, People

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• There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

  W. C. Fields

  Ambition, Men, America

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• All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

  W. C. Fields

  Insulting, Swallowing, Plums

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• The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .

  W. C. Fields

  Laughter, Laughing, Comedian

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• I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Cute, Witty

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• Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

  W. C. Fields

  Drinking, Exercise, Hours

  "The Temperance Lecture".

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• To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.

  W. C. Fields

  Believe, Biblical, Whales

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