Dave Barry Quotes About House

Quotes about: House

• Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long, dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter.

  Dave Barry

  Fun, Dark, Knowing

  Dave Barry (1985). “Dave Barry's Stay Fit and Healthy Until You're Dead”, p.4, Rodale

• I bought Windows 2.0, Windows 3.0, Windows 3.1415926, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows RSVP, The Best of Windows, Windows Strikes Back, Windows Does Dallas, and Windows Let's All Buy Bill Gates a House the Size of Vermont.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Humor, House

  Dave Barry (2003). “Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism”, p.177, Crown Archetype

• Dogs do not grasp the concept of house cleaning.

  Dave Barry

  Dog, House, Cleaning

• All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?

  Dave Barry

  Wall, Humorous, Rain

• You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.

  Dave Barry

  Summer, Humorous, Drinking

  Dave Barry (2001). “All the Dave Barry you could ever want: four classic books in one from America's foremost humorist”

• You cannot paint the exterior of your house. You have to take the paint chip down to show the paint-chip Nazis.

  Dave Barry

  House, Nazi, Paint

  "All I Think Is That It's Stupid". Interview with Glenn Garvin, reason.com. December 1, 1994.

• People are afraid to own their own homes. People are afraid their own government will catch them fixing their houses.

  Dave Barry

  Home, Government, People

  "All I Think Is That It's Stupid". Interview with Glenn Garvin, reason.com. December 1, 1994.

• U.S. News Organizations observe the anniversary of September 11 with investigations about the nation's continuing vulnerability to terrorism. First, the New York Daily News reports that two of its reporters carried box cutters, razor kinves, and pepper spray on fourteen commerical flights without getting caught. Then ABC News reports that it smuggled fifteen pounds of uranium into New York City. Then Fox News reports that it flew Osama bin Laden to Washington, D.C., and videotaped him touring the White House.

  Dave Barry

  New York, Cities, Organization

  "Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)". Book by Dave Barry, 2007.

• We're trying to make our current house look domestic so that somebody will want to buy it. We're making a lot of simple, obvious improvements that never would have occurred to us to make while we actually lived here, because, tragically, we both happen to be domestically impaired. If we were birds, our nest would consist of a single twig with the eggs attached via Scotch tape.

  Dave Barry

  Simple, Eggs, Scotch

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.71, Crown Archetype

• I don't know what you can possibly do for less than $50 to have somebody come in your house.

  Dave Barry

  House, Knows

  "All I Think Is That It's Stupid". Interview with Glenn Garvin, reason.com. December 1, 1994.

• I've been checking with people back in South Florida to see if Hurricane Dennis is going to whack my house, and the consensus of the experts seems to be: No, it will not, unless it does, in which case, yes. So I'm feeling really calm over here in London.

  Dave Barry

  Florida, People, House

• You're not allowed to park a truck in your driveway. You're not allowed to work on your house on Sunday. The people who enforce these laws are nuts. After I wrote a column on this, I got I don't know how many letters from Coral Gables homeowners, story after story after story, wonderfully horrible stories. And the venom they felt for their own government!

  Dave Barry

  Sunday, Government, Law

  "All I Think Is That It's Stupid". Interview with Glenn Garvin, reason.com. December 1, 1994.

• Congress shall also create a tax code weighing more than the combined poundage of the largest member of the House and the largest member of the Senate, plus a standard musk ox.

  Dave Barry

  House, Musk, Congress

  Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway”, p.34, Ballantine Books

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