Bill Maher Quotes About Today

Quotes about: Today

• North Carolina right now is going apeshit in a way no state ever has. Take every crazy, angry idea your drunk, right-wing uncle mumbles at Thanksgiving, turn it into a law, and that’s North Carolina today.

  Bill Maher

  Uncles, Crazy, Law

• Trying to get today's Republicans to accept basic facts is like trying to get your dog to take a pill. You have to feed them the truth wrapped in a piece of baloney, hold their snouts shut and stroke their throats. and even then, just when you think they've swallowed it, they spit it out on the linoleum.

  Bill Maher

  Dog, Thinking, Trying

• The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'

  Bill Maher

  Phones, Color, White

• Arnold was on the 'Today' show today, he was a little light on specifics. He said he could solve California's $38 billion budget deficit, without cutting spending or raising taxes because there was a third way. What is it? Let's just say it involves a robot going back in time to convince Gray Davis to go into dentistry.

  Bill Maher

  Cutting, California, Light

• Wichita Falls, Texas is considering using toilet water for drinking. And a dog there today said, 'White people's problems.'

  Bill Maher

  Dog, Drinking, Fall

• Edward Snowden gave a little press conference today. He is apparently seeking temporary asylum in Russia. Because, you know, when you're tired of the government snooping into everything you do, Putin's Russia is definitely the place you want to go.

  Bill Maher

  Tired, Russia, Government

• There's a new iPad out...People are going nuts for this thing...And, today, Mitt Romney said, 'It's a flat piece of white plastic. If you can love it, why not me?'

  Bill Maher

  Nuts, Ipads, White

• Nowas you all know, this week, Pope Benedict told Vatican Radio—you know, Vatican Radio, playing the hits from the 8th century, 9th century and today—Benedict told them he was going to resign because the Church needs a fresh, young face, somewhere other than a priest's lap.

  Bill Maher

  Church, Needs, Lap

• It's nine months before the election and Bush's poll numbers have fallen to the exact level that his father's poll numbers were nine months before he lost to Bill Clinton. Today front runner John Kerry said he's not superstitious, but just to be on the safe side, he's going to start f---ing everything that moves.

  Bill Maher

  Father, Moving, Numbers

• In today's Republican Party, there's a term for people who hate charity and love killing: 'Christian.'

  Bill Maher

  Christian, Hate, Party

  "Maher: Christians Are 'People Who Hate Charity And Love Killing'". www.realclearpolitics.com. September 17, 2011.

• Every time [Rand Paul] opens his mouth, it gets a little crazier. Today he angrily demanded that the liberal media stop quoting him in context.

  Bill Maher

  Media, Mouths, Littles

• I want to thank some very special people without whom I would not be here today. George Bush, Sarah Palin and the Pope. When I came to Hollywood in 1983, I had one dream. To sleep with Jodie Foster. That didn't work out, but this is nice, too.

  Bill Maher

  Dream, Nice, Sleep

  "Larry King Live", transcripts.cnn.com. September 14, 2010.

• Do you think if it was the fairy tale about a man who lived inside of a whale and it was religion that Jack built a beanstalk today, you would know the difference? Why do you believe in one fairy tale and not the other? Just because adults told you it was true and they scared you into believing it, at pain of death, at pain of burning in hell.

  Bill Maher

  Pain, Believe, Men

  "Scarborough Country" with Joe Scarborough, www.nbcnews.com. February 15, 2005.

• In Washington, the air quality today was described as 'red.'...You know what 'red' is? It's bad for everyone. Not just old people, sick people and babies. When it's just bad for old people, sick people and babies, that's called a Republican budget.

  Bill Maher

  Baby, Air, People

• Your taxes are due a week from today. You can make out your check directly to Halliburton. Or you can do what I'm going to do. I'm filing my first joint return. No, I'm not getting married, I'm sending the IRS an actual joint with a note that says, 'If you think I'm paying for this war, you must be high.'

  Bill Maher

  War, Thinking, Irs

• Every asshole who ever chanted 'Drill baby drill' should have to report to the Gulf coast today for cleanup duty.

  Bill Maher

  Baby, Should Have, Today

  FaceBook post by Bill Maher from Apr 30, 2010

• BP today finally managed to almost completely stop the flow of information.

  Bill Maher

  Information, Today, Flow

• Sarah Palin has already had an effect on foreign relations... The new president of Pakistan, Ali Zardari, is in hot water, because last week, Sarah was on a class trip to New York, where she met foreign leaders... And one of the leaders she met was Zardari, and he was gushing over her. He said, oh, you're more gorgeous in person than you are on TV. And so the people in his home country of Pakistan, the Islamists, they issued a fatwa on him, for being too 'flirty.' And when Sarah today was told that Zardari had gotten a fatwa because of her, she said, 'I know, I felt it when he hugged me.'

  Bill Maher

  Country, New York, Flirty

• Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News.

  Bill Maher

  People, News, Departure

• There is good news. Scientists sent a probe down there in the Gulf of Mexico today and they found traces of seawater.

  Bill Maher

  Mexico, News, Today

• The other financial genius, John McCain, said the fundamentals of our economy are strong, and then yesterday he wanted to fire the head of the SEC -- except you can't as president fire the SEC chairman, it's a non-governmental job. Sarah Palin said today one more gaffe from McCain, and she's going to drop him from the ticket.

  Bill Maher

  Strong, Jobs, Fire

• Today Obama was seen leaving the White House in a nurse's uniform on a flight to Cuba to smother Castro with a pillow.

  Bill Maher

  White, Nurse, House

• I hear a lot of talk today about xenophobia. Is it really phobia if you have something to be afraid of?

  Bill Maher

  Xenophobia, Today, Phobia

  "Bill Maher Questions Xenophobia: 'Is It Really a Phobia If You Have Something To Be Afraid Of?'". Interview With Ian Schwartz, www.realclearpolitics.com. June 26, 2016.

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