Next time I spank a girl during sex, I'll say, this is going to hurt me more than it will you.
No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.
Saying, have a great work-out is like saying, I hope you pull something.
Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn't really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.
Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.
It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.
The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.
If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.
Everybody wants to be more wanted, until they are.
If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.
Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.
Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.
If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood.
I've decided to aim a telescope at my neighbour's window. It's the closest I'll ever come to living with someone comfortably.
Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?
Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?
Many television weather-women were one abusive parent away from prostitution.
Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.
Whoever said life without love isn't worth living didn't own an iPhone. These things are great.
Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.
Sleep is over rated, then again so is being awake.
If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.
The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial.
Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.
Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death.
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