Argus Hamilton Quotes

Quotes about:

• The most identifiable trait of Anglo-Saxons is that we always mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.

  Argus Hamilton

  Memories, Mistake, Short Memory

  7 Copy quote

• The Pentagon tested an anti-missile system in New Mexico Wednesday. The test was an incomplete success. While the interceptor was shooting down the incoming missile, three thousand illegal aliens walked right across the border under its nose.

  Argus Hamilton

  Borders, Three, Mexico

  9 Copy quote

• The Columbus Day Parade was held Monday in New York. Columbus was the world's first Democrat. He left not knowing where he was going, arrived not knowing where he was, went home not knowing where he had been, and he did it all on government money.

  Argus Hamilton

  Monday, New York, Home

  4 Copy quote

• Hostess Bakery plants shut down due to a workers' strike. It was split up. The State Department hired all the Twinkies, the Secret Service hired all the HoHos, the generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes and the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.

  Argus Hamilton

  Sleep, Cupcakes, Secret

  7 Copy quote

• The surest way to wake up and smell the roses every day is to go to sleep face down in the flower bed.

  Argus Hamilton

  Flower, Sleep, Smell

  7 Copy quote

• Hillary Clinton flew with President Bush to New York City on Tuesday. She was amazed at the changes aboard Air Force One. For eight years she believed that flight attendants couldn't wear clothes because it made the plane too heavy.

  Argus Hamilton

  New York, Eight, Air

  4 Copy quote

• Bill and Hillary will spend Easter with her brothers Hugh and Tony and Roger Clinton. They have a family ritual at all holiday dinners. After they sit down, they hold hands, close their eyes, and get their stories straight.

  Argus Hamilton

  Easter, Brother, Holiday

  7 Copy quote

• Tennis legend Bjorn Borg appeared in a Swedish TV ad urging Swedes to have more sex to solve the country's falling birth rate. America can help. This is a perfect opportunity to name Jesse Jackson ambassador to Sweden.

  Argus Hamilton

  Country, Sex, Fall

  6 Copy quote

• He called for military supremacy, no welfare and cultural rebirth. It was a nice speech, but it sounded a lot better in its original German.

  Argus Hamilton

  Military, Nice, Speech

  4 Copy quote

• Walter Mondale once said God has no place in American politics and it turned out that God felt the same way about Walter Mondale.

  Argus Hamilton

  Way, Said, Walter Mondale

  5 Copy quote

• No wonder we keep testing positive in their bicycle races. Everyone looks like they're full of testosterone when they're surrounded by Frenchmen.

  Argus Hamilton

  Race, Looks, Wonder

  5 Copy quote

• The Mars Rover sent back stunning photos [last week] indicating the past presence of water. The pictures show tiny splotches of blue on the Red Planet. The other theory is that the satellite dish on the rover accidentally picked up CNN's election coverage.

  Argus Hamilton

  Past, Blue, Cnn

  4 Copy quote

• Conoco will build a $75 million plant to see if a process to convert natural gas to liquid fuel is profitable. It has to be. In California, gasoline is so expensive that people are trying to run their cars on cocaine.

  Argus Hamilton

  Running, California, People

  4 Copy quote

• Secret Service agents detained an Iowa man with a gun who happened to be walking in a Des Moines park where President Bush was jogging. Were they out of their minds? White guys with guns put Bush in the White House.

  Argus Hamilton

  Gun, Men, Iowa

  4 Copy quote

• Jenna Bush was cited for underage drinking in Austin Friday. Her dad warned her that too much partying at school could cost her a good career. At $400,000, he's making the lowest salary of any of his Yale classmates.

  Argus Hamilton

  Friday, Dad, Party

  7 Copy quote

• Hillary Clinton will travel to Vietnam with the president this Friday. It's a fact that at the height of the war in 1971, she tried to enlist in the Marines, but they turned her down. Apparently we weren't that mad at the Viet Cong.

  Argus Hamilton

  Friday, War, Marine

  7 Copy quote

• President Bush paid homage Wednesday to World War II veterans of Normandy at the D-Day Memorial. Later that night, his twin daughters paid a special tribute to World War II veterans of the Pacific. They each downed two kamikazes.

  Argus Hamilton

  Daughter, War, Night

  4 Copy quote

• Hillary showed off a new set of White House china at the mansion's 200th birthday dinner Thursday. She said she helped design it. It's thanks to her that all the White House china looks like it's been glued back together.

  Argus Hamilton

  White, House, Design

  5 Copy quote

• It's a new era at Disney. From now on, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs will be known as Person of No Color and the Seven Vertically Challenged Individuals.

  Argus Hamilton

  Color, White, Snow

  7 Copy quote

• They’ve taken their own precautions against Al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.

  Argus Hamilton

  Taken, White, House

  4 Copy quote

• President Obama hosted a state dinner for British Prime Minister David Cameron. The president and the British are getting along a lot better lately. They love to compare notes on ways the Tea Party's always trying to overthrow their rule in America.

  Argus Hamilton

  Party, Always Trying, America

  4 Copy quote

• Hillary Clinton began a New York thank-you tour Friday by calling for the abolition of the Electoral College. No wonder Arkansas never liked her. She hasn't been in office three days and already she's an abolitionist.

  Argus Hamilton

  Friday, New York, College

  4 Copy quote

• Former South Africa President Nelson Mandela announced Tuesday he will begin writing his autobiography. He spent 25 years in prison before being elected to public office. In America, we do it the other way around.

  Argus Hamilton

  Writing, Years, America

  5 Copy quote

• Senate Democrats vowed Sunday to kill President Bush's energy plan. They think this is their ticket back to the White House in 2004. All they have to do now is figure out a way to get cars to run on beautiful pictures of Alaska.

  Argus Hamilton

  Beautiful, Running, Sunday

  4 Copy quote

• The White House announced on Monday the Prime Minister of Australia will visit President Bush in September. We have a lot in common. Australia started out as a prison colony, while the United States has evolved into one.

  Argus Hamilton

  Monday, White, Australia

  4 Copy quote

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