Joan Rivers Quotes About Mothers

Quotes about: Mothers

• Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

  Joan Rivers

  Daughter, Mother, Sleep

• My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

  Joan Rivers

  Mother, Children, Humorous

  "Goodbye to the mother of all comedians: Joan Rivers' 9 best quotes on motherhood" by Sarah Maizes, www.today.com. September 05, 2014.

• I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Mother, Witty

• A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of them.

  Joan Rivers

  Mother, Years, Eggs

• I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

  Joan Rivers

  Mom, Mother, Dating

  "25 of Joan Rivers' best jokes", www.cnn.com. September 5, 2014.

• Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
  I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.
  I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
  It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom.
  My best birth control now is to leave the lights on.

  Joan Rivers

  Mother, Sex, Pain

• On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

  Joan Rivers

  Daughter, Mother, Down And

• My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.

  Joan Rivers

  Mother, Humor, Flying

• My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds.

  Joan Rivers

  Mother, Husband, Men

• My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.

  Joan Rivers

  Daughter, Mother, Littles

• I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."

  Joan Rivers

  Girl, Mother, Lasts

  "Happy 80th birthday Joan Rivers! Comedian's 80 bitchiest putdowns and funniest one-liner jokes" by Steve Anglesey, www.mirror.co.uk. June 08, 2013.

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