Emo Philips Quotes - Page 8

Quotes about:

• Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Children, Humorous

  8 Copy quote

• I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

  Emo Philips

  Diving, Scuba, Scuba Diving

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• A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

  Emo Philips

  Glasses, Scratches, Records

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• I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.

  Emo Philips

  Night, Years, Comedian

  "Emo Philips is still ... Emo". Interview with Steve Johnson, www.chicagotribune.com. September 20, 2012.

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• Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Humor, Cds

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• Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Country, Humor

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• I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.

  Emo Philips

  Government, Differences, Irs

  4 Copy quote

• Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

  Emo Philips

  Thinking, Comedian, Trying

  "Emo Philips" by Sanjiv Bhattacharya, www.theguardian.com. July 1, 2006.

  4 Copy quote

• Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.

  Emo Philips

  Laughter, Artist, Men

  Interview with Sanjiv Bhattacharya, www.theguardian.com. July 1, 2006.

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• I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'

  Emo Philips

  Thinking, Phones, Numbers

  "Emo Philips" by Sanjiv Bhattacharya, www.theguardian.com. July 1, 2006.

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• The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.

  Emo Philips

  Diving, Turned Down, Programmes

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• He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Smile, Taught

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• My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Humor, Safe

  "If you enjoyed those 'Peter Kay' one-liners in your inbox, they were probably written by Emo Philips" by James Kettle, www.theguardian.com. July 10, 2010.

  9 Copy quote

• I learned about sex the hard way... from books.

  Emo Philips

  Sex, Book, Way

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• Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

  Emo Philips

  Falling In Love, Odds, Funny Jokes

  4 Copy quote

• Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

  Emo Philips

  Vowels, Buying, Feels

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• Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

  Emo Philips

  Crowds, Might, Helping

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• I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.

  Emo Philips

  Fun, Cutting, Hair

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• I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.

  Emo Philips

  Years, Two, Laughing

  Source: www.sheckymagazine.com

  6 Copy quote

• Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" 'til the day I die.

  Emo Philips

  Comedian, Style, Reason Why

  "Emo Philips is still... Emo". Interview with Steve Johnson, www.chicagotribune.com. September 20, 2012.

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• Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

  Emo Philips

  Years, December, Seems

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• England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Humor, England

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• I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.

  Emo Philips

  Morning, Two, People

  "Emo Philips" by Sanjiv Bhattacharya, www.theguardian.com. July 1, 2006.

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• They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.

  Emo Philips

  Emo, Names, Good Times

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• For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

  Emo Philips

  Religious, Driving, Reason

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