Funny Jokes Quotes

• At the time, it was a really funny joke [Fluffy] and I went back and forth with going against the joke or embrace it. I decided to embrace it and now we're talking about it, so it was a good call.

  Gabriel Iglesias

  Talking, Fluffy, Embrace

  Source: mstarsnews.musictimes.com

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• My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Leadership, Sarcastic

  "Mitch All Together". Live album by Mitch Hedberg, December 9, 2003.

  114 Copy quote

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• Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

  Billy Connolly

  Inspirational, Funny, Witty

  872 Copy quote
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  When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Death, Forgiveness

  125 Copy quote

• I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  In Saturday Review 25 Aug. 1962

  118 Copy quote

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• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Humor, Beer

  143 Copy quote

• Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

  Henny Youngman

  Sarcastic, Years, Two

  29 Copy quote

• A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

  Ronnie Corbett

  Criminals, Prison, Crash

  63 Copy quote

• If any of you cry at my funeral I'll never speak to you again.

  Stan Laurel

  Funny, Funeral, Cry

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

  Jon Stewart

  Funny, Thanksgiving, Holiday

  89 Copy quote

• What doesn't kill you makes you smaller

  Mario

  Funny, Humorous, Character

  51 Copy quote

• I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg.

  Ricky Gervais

  Funny, Wall, Thinking

  FaceBook post by Ricky Gervais from Oct 15, 2013

  82 Copy quote

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• Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.

  John Bishop

  Soccer, Sports, Football

  52 Copy quote

• Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Sarcastic, Children

  Twitter post from Apr 09, 2014

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• When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Pregnancy, Moving

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  94 Copy quote

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• Anything that gets you to release the stress in your life and really laugh is worthwhile. It can heal the planet. It truly can, and it actually has.

  Lucie Arnaz

  Funny, Laughter, Stress

  6 Copy quote

• I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Military, Humorous

  Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.60, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

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• I’ve spent too many years explaining who and what I am repeatedly, so as of this moment I officially secede from both races. I plan to start my own separate nation. Because I am half Ojibway and half Caucasian, we will be called the Occasions. And of course, since I’m founding the new nation, I will be a Special Occasion.

  Drew Hayden Taylor

  Funny, Race, Years

  Drew Hayden Taylor (1998). “Funny, You Don't Look Like One: Observations of a Blue-eyed Ojibway”, Penticton, B.C. : Theytus Books, l998.

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• If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

  Jon Stewart

  Strong, Political, Comedian

  "s Jon Stewart’s brilliant appearance on Egypt’s version of ‘The Daily Show’". www.washingtonpost.com. June 25, 2013.

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• Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night.
  I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
  If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.
  I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
  My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
  Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one.

  Woody Allen

  Love, Funny, Beautiful

  113 Copy quote

• That’s why you call it a budget.  You set it and you don’t budge.

  Jennifer Morrison

  Funny, Budgeting, Actresses

  59 Copy quote

• In the 1998 Oscars, I found myself in the bathroom in a stall, next to Tom Selleck. So I leaned over and I said ‘looks like we’re a couple of peeing Toms.’ His angry silence is something I’ll never forget.

  Tom Hanks

  Funny, Couple, Anger

  24 Copy quote

• I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Dirty, Book

  "Bananas". www.imdb.com. 1971.

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• There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

  Jack E. Leonard

  Funny, Life, Death

  "The Comedian: It's Not Easy Being Mean" by Amy Nicholson, www.mtv.com. February 1, 2017.

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• The good Lord in his ultimate wisdom gave us three things to make life bearable: hope, jokes, and dogs, but the greatest of these was dogs.

  Robyn Davidson

  Life, Wisdom, Hope

  44 Copy quote