Demetri Martin Quotes - Page 5

Quotes about:

• The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

  Demetri Martin

  Knives, Perfect, Frustrated

  8 Copy quote

• I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'

  Demetri Martin

  Practice, House, Wish

  12 Copy quote

• History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

  Demetri Martin

  Looks, Rooms, Old Fashioned

  Twitter post from Aug 10, 2011

  22 Copy quote

• For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman.

  Demetri Martin

  Cowboy, Sound, Reason

  Twitter post from Sep 18, 2013

  7 Copy quote

• Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

  Demetri Martin

  Interesting, Would Be, Bowling

  Twitter post from Apr 30, 2015

  11 Copy quote

• I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Im Sorry, Nice

  "'Comedy Central Presents' ('Demetri Martin')". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. March 19, 2004.

  10 Copy quote

• Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.

  Demetri Martin

  Powerful, Mean, Men

  9 Copy quote

• I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.

  Demetri Martin

  Flavor, Eating, Natural

  4 Copy quote

• I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Humor, Firsts

  5 Copy quote

• You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

  Demetri Martin

  Car, Drivers, Ten

  Demetri Martin (2011). “This Is A Book”, p.55, Penguin UK

  11 Copy quote

• If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.

  Demetri Martin

  Thinking, People, Interesting

  Twitter post from Jan 03, 2012

  9 Copy quote

• I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'

  Demetri Martin

  Children, Kids, Sound

  6 Copy quote

• It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.

  Demetri Martin

  Impossible, Cyclops

  Twitter post from Aug 07, 2012

  11 Copy quote

• I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.

  Demetri Martin

  Hands, Numbers, Broke

  6 Copy quote

• Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.

  Demetri Martin

  Camping, Waterfalls, Plus

  14 Copy quote

• I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.

  Demetri Martin

  Men, Unreliable

  8 Copy quote

• The problem with most people, is that they are most people.

  Demetri Martin

  People, Four Agreements, Problem

  Twitter post from Dec 19, 2011

  9 Copy quote

• I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

  Demetri Martin

  Jumping, Born, Bungee

  8 Copy quote

• A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

  Demetri Martin

  Thinking, Smoking, Looks

  21 Copy quote

• When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Humor, Men

  7 Copy quote

• I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Humor, Doors

  5 Copy quote

• I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.

  Demetri Martin

  Party, Animal, Hey

  TV Series "Comedy Central Presents" ("Demetri Martin", 2004), www.imdb.com. (1998–).

  16 Copy quote

• I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

  Demetri Martin

  Running, Numbers, Machines

  21 Copy quote

• I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.

  Demetri Martin

  Checkers, Heard, Train

  11 Copy quote

• The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

  Demetri Martin

  Enemy, Sofas, Productivity

  Twitter post from Dec 26, 2012

  14 Copy quote

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