I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.
I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.
I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.
It's a wonderful world. It may destroy itself but you'll be able to watch it all on TV.
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
I can still chase women, only downhill
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?
Laughter is therapy-an instant vacation.
My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?
I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.
You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.
Don't tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation.
I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
Don't people know that they don't have to heckle the president of the United States? That's what Congress is for.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
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