Best Funny Quotes

• I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

  Fred Allen

  Graduation, Education, Laughter

  84 Copy quote

• My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

  Jimmy Durante

  Inspirational, Funny, Marriage

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  62 Copy quote

  Show source

• Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

  Will Rogers

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  "The Graduation Speech I'd Give, if Anyone Asked" by Karina Bland, www.azcentral.com. June 03, 2015.

  335 Copy quote

  Show source

• I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

  Elayne Boosler

  Funny, Life, Hilarious

  89 Copy quote

• Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.

  Oscar Wilde

  Love, Inspirational, Funny

  Oscar Wilde (1947). “The Happy Prince”, p.16, New Line Publishing

  135 Copy quote

  Show source

• The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Laughter, Ideas

  Woody Allen (2007). “The Insanity Defense: The Complete Prose”, Random House Incorporated

  11 Copy quote

  Show source

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

  Lana Turner

  Funny, Success, Hilarious

  1019 Copy quote

• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humorous, Ideas

  435 Copy quote

• Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Friendship, Education

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  140 Copy quote

  Show source

• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Life, Hilarious

  257 Copy quote

• Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

  Charles M. Schulz

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  979 Copy quote

• I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Clever, Hipster

  Oscar Wilde (2007). “Epigrams of Oscar Wilde”, p.153, Wordsworth Editions

  532 Copy quote

  Show source

• There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

  Henry A. Kissinger

  Inspirational, Funny, Witty

  The New York Times Magazine, June 01, 1969.

  35 Copy quote

  Show source

• By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.

  Oscar Wilde

  Anniversary, Single, Funny Valentines Day

  Oscar Wilde (2012). “The Wit and Humor of Oscar Wilde”, p.32, Courier Corporation

  44 Copy quote

  Show source

• I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

  Bob Hope

  Blood, Age, Type

  "Goodbyes" by Craig Taylor, www.theguardian.com. December 26, 2003.

  15 Copy quote

  Show source

• It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Senior, Laughter

  Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.389, Courier Corporation

  4 Copy quote

  Show source

• A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Running, Witty

  57 Copy quote

• Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Witty, Laughter

  59 Copy quote

• A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

  Robert Frost

  Inspirational, Funny, Witty

  48 Copy quote

• A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Inspirational, Funny, Witty

  Everybody's Political What's What? ch. 30 (1944)

  158 Copy quote

  Show source