Chelsea Handler Quotes - Page 7

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• Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.

  Chelsea Handler

  Dog, Pride, Gay

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• Obviously you want to be smart enough to take other people's advice and take that into consideration, and obviously try to surround yourself with people that are smarter than you. As far as sticking to your guns, I think there is no better advice than to just find something that you really give a s - about and then go do it.

  Chelsea Handler

  Smart, Thinking, Gun

  Source: variety.com

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• I like to stay at home and sit on my ass.

  Chelsea Handler

  Home, Ass, Stay At Home

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• Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er.

  Chelsea Handler

  Crazy, Waiting, Impatient

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• I think it's important to be authentic to who you are, and if you're inauthentic at all, people smell that from a mile away.

  Chelsea Handler

  Thinking, Smell, People

  Source: variety.com

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• I'd like to go out for a cocktail... or seven.

  Chelsea Handler

  Cocktails, Seven

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• Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her twin walked in, also known as her dad, Bruce Willis. How embarrassing for her, she's out with her friends and they're like, 'Umm, Rumer, I think your dad put something in my drink.'

  Chelsea Handler

  Dad, Thinking, Clubs

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• I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.

  Chelsea Handler

  May, Chance, Clean

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• My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

  Chelsea Handler

  Mom, Cat, My Mom

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• Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That's 245 months in Jack Bauer years.

  Chelsea Handler

  Jail, Years, Dui

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• For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony's baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I'm afraid it's going to look like Marc Anthony.

  Chelsea Handler

  Baby, Rumor, Looks

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• Absolutely I'm going to be talking about it, because it's in the zeitgeist and it's happening. It's an election year. It's the biggest election. Every election is a big election, so whenever anybody says that it kinds of grates me, but it's a fiasco. It's turned into a complete circus act, so of course you have to make fun of it, but responsible journalists definitely are being irresponsible. They're giving [Donald Trump] so much air time.

  Chelsea Handler

  Fun, Air, Talking

  Source: variety.com

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• According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with Ashley Olsen. He's going from bar to bar picking up women - how does he get them home? Does he put them on the handlebars, or does he have a banana seat?

  Chelsea Handler

  Home, Night, Style

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• It's unfiltered conversation and I love it. I also like to argue with children, so it's the perfect platform for me.

  Chelsea Handler

  Children, Perfect, Arguing

  Source: variety.com

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• According to Life & Style Weekly, 50 Cent may be working on Lindsay Lohan's next album. Finally, a match made in rap heaven. He's a convicted drug dealer who's been shot nine times, and she spent 84 minutes in prison. This is a big step for Lindsay. The last time Lindsay got near a black guy she ran over his foot.

  Chelsea Handler

  Rap, Feet, Guy

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• According to an article on CNN.com, a new study says people who are bad kissers don't get laid. Where are you supposed to learn how to kiss? If you go to Catholic school, it's from your priest; in public school, you learn from your teacher; and some guys learn from their sisters... if their sister is Angelina Jolie.

  Chelsea Handler

  Teacher, School, Kissing

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• There should be a talent that goes along with being famous.

  Chelsea Handler

  Talent, Should, Being Famous

  Source: variety.com

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• Amy Winehouse's mother wrote an open letter to the News of the World newspaper telling Amy she's worried about her and to please call her. I doubt this is the best way to communicate with Amy - she should try spelling it out in lines of cocaine.

  Chelsea Handler

  Mother, Doubt, Trying

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• I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Humor, Dating

  Chelsea Handler (2005). “My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands”, p.63, Bloomsbury Publishing USA

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• Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris—sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.

  Chelsea Handler

  Baby, Paris, Mercury

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• Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house—obviously, they’ll have a turkey with all-white meat.

  Chelsea Handler

  Dog, Holiday, Turkeys

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• A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.

  Chelsea Handler

  People, Catholic, Degrees

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• I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

  Chelsea Handler

  Burgers, Bagels, Skinny

  "Chelsea Handler on Hollywood" by Elisa Lipsky-Karasz, www.harpersbazaar.com. March 24, 2010.

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• I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

  Chelsea Handler

  Children, Kids, Smell

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• I definitely don't want to have kids ... I don't think I'd be a great mother. I'm a great aunt or friend of a mother ... I don't want to spend that kind of time. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have time to raise a child.

  Chelsea Handler

  Mother, Children, Kids

  "11 Female Celebrities Who Are Happy Without Kids" y Emma Gray, www.huffingtonpost.com. May 8, 2013.

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