Chelsea Handler Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Mother, Jobs

• Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Dog, Real

  Chelsea Handler (2012). “Are you there Vodka? It's me, Chelsea”, p.239, Random House

• I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Humor, Sleep

• I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Drinking, Humor

  Chelsea Handler (2005). “My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands”, p.64, Bloomsbury Publishing USA

• My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Dog, Ex Boyfriend

  Chelsea Handler (2009). “Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea”, p.153, Simon and Schuster

• I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Drinking, Humor

• He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Humor, Writing

• I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Twilight, Humor

• The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Fashion, Humor

• Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Uncles, Taken

• Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Humor, Care

• If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Humor, Letters

• I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Hangover, Pregnancy

• We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Humor, Tuesday

• Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're ready to have a baby.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Tattoo, Baby

• That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Humor, America

• I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Humor, Gay

• I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Humor, Wish

• But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Humor, Cocky

• I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Party, Humor

• Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Humor, Home

• I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Sex, Humor

• First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Humor, Firsts

• ... some of the best sex I can barely remember.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Sex, Humor

  Chelsea Handler (2005). “My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands”, p.15, Bloomsbury Publishing USA

• You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Girl, Nice

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