Chelsea Handler Quotes - Page 6

Quotes about:

• I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.

  Chelsea Handler

  Hurt, Mean, Racism

  4 Copy quote

• My life and my legs have been an open book.

  Chelsea Handler

  Book, Legs, Open Book

  4 Copy quote

• When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?

  Chelsea Handler

  Dating, Mouths, Knows

  4 Copy quote

• You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it.

  Chelsea Handler

  Giving, Looks, Fats

  4 Copy quote

• Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.

  Chelsea Handler

  Wings, Assault

  4 Copy quote

• We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close; I can do that at home.

  Chelsea Handler

  Cousin, Home, Dresses

  4 Copy quote

• I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Humor, Gay

  4 Copy quote

• Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who'd gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George's house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield's island for a radio opportunity.

  Chelsea Handler

  Taken, Boys, Opportunity

  4 Copy quote

• I was a fitness fiasco - until I found Pilates . . . It's been the most gentle on my body I'm longer and leaner and much more graceful. I can honestly say it's changed my body - and my life.

  Chelsea Handler

  Body, Pilates, Found

  4 Copy quote

• Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come to expect from Jessica Alba.

  Chelsea Handler

  Good Luck, Laughing, Today

  4 Copy quote

• This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.

  Chelsea Handler

  Order, Mixing, Onions

  4 Copy quote

• This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.

  Chelsea Handler

  Killers, Skinny, Psycho

  Chelsea Handler (2009). “Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea”, p.60, Simon and Schuster

  4 Copy quote

• Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny Motivational, Sometimes, Wonder

  4 Copy quote

• The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.

  Chelsea Handler

  Talking, Interesting, Challenges

  4 Copy quote

• No one tells me what to do -- in any capacity.

  Chelsea Handler

  Capacity

  4 Copy quote

• You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Humor, Honest

  4 Copy quote

• Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq.

  Chelsea Handler

  Airports, Iraq, Pockets

  Chelsea Handler (2009). “Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea”, p.246, Simon and Schuster

  10 Copy quote

• I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Party, Humor

  4 Copy quote

• ... some of the best sex I can barely remember.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Sex, Humor

  Chelsea Handler (2005). “My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands”, p.15, Bloomsbury Publishing USA

  4 Copy quote

• I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Humor, Long

  4 Copy quote

• My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Lying, Drinking

  Chelsea Handler (2008). “Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea”, p.236, Simon and Schuster

  4 Copy quote

• You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Humor, Night

  Chelsea Handler (2009). “Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea”, p.141, Simon and Schuster

  6 Copy quote

• Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're ready to have a baby.

  Chelsea Handler

  Funny, Tattoo, Baby

  4 Copy quote

• That just sends the wrong message to everybody. [Donald Trump] should have the least amount of air time.

  Chelsea Handler

  Air, Should Have, Messages

  Source: variety.com

  4 Copy quote

• I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?

  Chelsea Handler

  Baby, Thinking, Giving

  4 Copy quote

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