I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses.
Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Thank God for machines. They can make a dog sing!
Stevie Wonder always smells so good... I'm like a DEA dog, I can smell people a block away!
Bulldogs have been known to fall on their swords when confronted by my superior tenacity.
The dog is dressed just like me at the climax of my act.
It sometimes takes days, even weeks, before a dog's nerves tire. In the case of terriers it can run into months.
It is fatal to let any dog know that he is funny, for he immediately loses his head and starts hamming it up.
They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let 'em bloat!
I'm not a lesbian, but my girlfriend is.
If you really love guitar, you're going to spend every waking hour stroking the thing.
Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'
The suspense is terrible. I hope it'll last.
If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
After forty a woman has to choose between losing her figure or her face. My advice is to keep your face, and stay sitting down.
Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'll work late and be honest.
Ambition may be defined as the willingness to receive any number of hits on the nose.
I have more ideas than I'll ever be able to write in five lifetimes.
There are no ugly women, only lazy ones.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
I guess I'm just an old mad scientist at bottom. Give me an underground laboratory, half a dozen atom-smashers, and a beautiful girl in a diaphanous veil waiting to be turned into a chimpanzee, and I care not who writes the nation's laws.
I went to the worst of bars hoping to get killed but all I could do was to get drunk again.
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