I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
Communism is like one big phone company.
A pekingeese is not a pet dog; he is an undersized lion.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
How marriage ruins a man! It is as demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive.
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
Nothing said I had to crash.
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Ha, ha!
I'm so smart now. Everyone's always like 'take your top off'. Sorry, NO! They always want to get that money shot. I'm not stupid.
I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
If a man….who’s playing in front of the public, is being well paid, and he doesn’t dedicate himself to the job, I’d be hard on him. If I could I would put him in jail, out of the road of society. Because he’s a menace
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
In Westerns you were permitted to kiss your horse but never your girl.
The internet is a great way to get on the net.
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
My idea of fast food is a mallard.
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
I look into eyes, shake their hand, pat their back, and wish them luck, but I am thinking, I am going to bury you.
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