Jeff Foxworthy Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Dog, Baby

• If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Family, Feelings

  Interview with Paul Harris, www.harrisonline.com. May 30, 1996.

• Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Humor, People

• I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Graduation, Jealousy

• I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Song, Humor

  "The Tonight Show", March 27, 2007.

• You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Humor, Redneck

  "You might be a redneck if". Book by Jeff Foxworthy, 1989.

• When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, 'Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn.'

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Dad, Humor

  Jeff Foxworthy (2004). “No Shirt, No Shoes...No Problem!”, Hyperion

• [about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Sex, Humor

  "Jeff Foxworthy: Totally Committed". www.imdb.com. 1998.

• When you're young and you get to choose between sleep and sex you take sex everytime. You start getting older, you get to choose between sleep and sex, you choose sleep and just hope you have a dream about sex.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Dream, Sex

• If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Humor, Redneck

  Interview with Paul Harris, www.harrisonline.com. May 30, 1996.

• If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Home, Humor

• Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Ocean, Humor

• You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Book, Humor

• If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Home, Humor

• My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Fathers Day, Humor

  FaceBook post by Jeff Foxworthy from Jun 25, 2012

• Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not making fun of old people. In fact I think that's the goal of everybody here tonite. We all want to be an old person someday.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Humorous, Thinking

• Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Baby, Humor

  "You Might Be a Redneck If". Book by Jeff Foxworthy, 1993.

• The thing about that singles apartment is you never had to clean it up... until the day you got the security deposit back. You're arguing with the landlord... 'No sir, the back door was missing when we moved in here! The pizzas were always on the ceiling!'

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Humor, Doors

• By the time we get to church, I need church cuz I've been yelled at by everyone in the family.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Humor, Church

  "Jeff Foxworthy: Totally Committed", www.imdb.com. 1998.

• It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

• The things that I'm talking about not knowing, they're not mysteries of the universe; it's just stuff I thought I would know by the time I was thirty-nine.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Humor, Knowing

  "Jeff Foxworthy: Totally Committed", www.imdb.com. 1998.

• That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Humor, Men

  "Jeff Foxworthy: Totally Committed", www.imdb.com. 1998.

• If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Humor, Redneck

• You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT!

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Humor, Giving

• You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not kidding!

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Humor, Diapers

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