Bill Engvall Quotes

Quotes about:

Cars Comedy Driving Funny Gas Giving Home

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

Bill Engvall

Wall, Nice, House

FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Mar 18, 2013

67 Copy quote
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.

Bill Engvall

Lasts, Sides, Gas Stations

FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Mar 12, 2013

59 Copy quote
One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin' a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here's your sign.

Bill Engvall

Keys, Car, Guy

FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Mar 04, 2013

60 Copy quote
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, Got stuck, huh? The truck driver says, No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.

Bill Engvall

Bridges, Hands, Car

63 Copy quote
I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.

Bill Engvall

Funny, Running, Baby

FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Jan 15, 2013

71 Copy quote
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y'all catch all them fish? Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign.

Bill Engvall

Giving Up, Couple, Fishing

FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Mar 14, 2013

67 Copy quote
I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked. I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn't help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here's your sign!

Bill Engvall

Rain, Home, Doors

62 Copy quote
I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I'm superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here's your sign!

Bill Engvall

Men, Glasses, Phones

38 Copy quote
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.

Bill Engvall

Moving, Wife, House

18 Copy quote
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

Bill Engvall

Funny, Hate, Stupid

"Here's Your Sign". Live album by Bill Engvall, 1996.

44 Copy quote
And isn't that weird? Think about this, when you're born, you nurse on your mama. And then you get a little older, you go to applesauce. And then you see these toddlers walking around with these Ziploc baggies full of Cheerios. Then you get to be my age, and the doctor wants you to start eating Cheerios to watch your cholesterol. Then you lose your teeth, you go to applesauce. I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.

Bill Engvall

Mean, Home, Nursing

36 Copy quote
I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here's your sign!

Bill Engvall

San Francisco, Guy, Sitting

13 Copy quote
I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

Bill Engvall

Funny, Girl, Humor

FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Jan 23, 2013

34 Copy quote
I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me you think he's been hunting? Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here's your sign!

Bill Engvall

Thinking, Hunting, Giving

41 Copy quote
Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign.

Bill Engvall

Girl, Pet, Lists

FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Mar 20, 2013

17 Copy quote
This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.

Bill Engvall

Funny, Baseball, Dog

27 Copy quote
That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Bill Engvall

Funny, Humor, Men

FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Feb 19, 2013

26 Copy quote
I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down.

Bill Engvall

Sick, Taste, Peanut Butter

29 Copy quote
I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up..." WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right dude, you're up."

Bill Engvall

Funny, Humor, Jumping

FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Mar 22, 2013

47 Copy quote
There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

Bill Engvall

Suicide, Hunger Strike, California

FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Mar 25, 2013

45 Copy quote
In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Bill Engvall

Country, Brother, Airplane

15 Copy quote
I told my wife I'm afraid to go back to the doctor because I'm afraid they're going to look at you and say: 'ma'am, just sell him for parts. It's like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.

Bill Engvall

Doctors, Wife, Car

7 Copy quote
Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.

Bill Engvall

Sex, War, Pieces

"Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again". Comedy, Documentary, 2004.

16 Copy quote
I think my wife puts up with me 'cause I try. I think that's all any guy can do is just try. That's right! 'Cause we ain't never gunna get it. 'Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It's like this memo goes out, 'they're getting close, change it, change it!'

Bill Engvall

Thinking, Wife, Guy

25 Copy quote
Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

Bill Engvall

Funny, Morning, Humor

"Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One for the Road". TV Special, www.imdb.com. June 15, 2006.

24 Copy quote

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Born: July 27, 1957
Occupation: Comedian
Cite this Page: Citation

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