Bill Engvall Quotes - Page 3

Quotes about:

• As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Humor, Rooms

  "Bill Engvall: Aged & Confused". Comedy/ TV Special, www.imdb.com. 2009.

  10 Copy quote

• If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.

  Bill Engvall

  Song, Long, Heaven

  7 Copy quote

• I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Mistake, Coffee

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Jan 25, 2013

  9 Copy quote

• Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person.

  Bill Engvall

  Color, Greed, Remember

  4 Copy quote

• Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket.

  Bill Engvall

  Talking, Play, Causes

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Mar 28, 2013

  4 Copy quote

• He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going "there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot."

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Humor, Golf

  "Here's Your Sign". Comedy, 1996.

  4 Copy quote

• I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that.

  Bill Engvall

  Fun, Distance, Believe

  5 Copy quote

• My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says It looks and tastes like real bacon! No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like!

  Bill Engvall

  Real, Wife, Trying

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Jan 16, 2013

  4 Copy quote

• If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!

  Bill Engvall

  Mother, School, Pants

  4 Copy quote

• I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!

  Bill Engvall

  Stupid, Drunk, Riding

  "Bill Engvall: Here's Your Sign Live". www.imdb.com. 2004.

  7 Copy quote

• You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Humor, House

  "Here's Your Sign". Comedy album by Bill Engvall, 2004.

  7 Copy quote

• I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'

  Bill Engvall

  Water, Pages, Use

  4 Copy quote

• I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

  Bill Engvall

  Funny, Humor, Two

  "Cheap Drunk: An Autobiography". Album, 2002.

  4 Copy quote

• You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.

  Bill Engvall

  Thinking, Getting Older, Bed

  Twitter post from Jun 10, 2013

  4 Copy quote

• My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.

  Bill Engvall

  Stupid, Ties, Wife

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Apr 21, 2013

  5 Copy quote

• You can't climb a tile wall.

  Bill Engvall

  Wall, Tiles, Climbs

  7 Copy quote

• And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!

  Bill Engvall

  Hands, Rose, Heaven

  4 Copy quote

• You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!

  Bill Engvall

  Kissing, Ass, Scooters

  8 Copy quote

• I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.

  Bill Engvall

  Iphone, People, Invention

  Twitter post from Jul 15, 2013

  4 Copy quote

• To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.

  Bill Engvall

  Song, Xmas, Writing

  Twitter post from Dec 12, 2010

  9 Copy quote

• Just when I think the human race has been lost to the "what about me" people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.

  Bill Engvall

  Helping Others, Thinking, Race

  Twitter post from May 21, 2013

  4 Copy quote

• Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.

  Bill Engvall

  Men, Would Be, Wake Up

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Feb 13, 2013

  4 Copy quote

• I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.

  Bill Engvall

  Tree, Hunters, Dork

  4 Copy quote

• Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.

  Bill Engvall

  Doe, Hamburgers, Shirts

  13 Copy quote

• A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.

  Bill Engvall

  Rubber, Condom

  4 Copy quote

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