Stephen Colbert Quotes - Page 7

Quotes about:

• History moves fast. It's hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did!

  Stephen Colbert

  Believe, Moving, Gay

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• As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds!

  Stephen Colbert

  Said

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• NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.

  Stephen Colbert

  Nerd, Scientist, Nasa

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• Atheism: the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority.

  Stephen Colbert

  Religion, Atheism, Worship

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• I'd forgotten what an honest sandwich it is. For those of you not familiar, 'BLT' stands for 'bacon, lettuce, and tomato.' A lot of people think the 'B' stands for 'bread,' and I can understand someone not wanting a lettuce and tomato sandwich. But, the bread is implied in the word 'sandwich.' Anyway, it's an American original. Everyone should have a BLT as soon as they can.

  Stephen Colbert

  Thinking, Should Have, People

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• First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes.

  Stephen Colbert

  Weed, School, People

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• They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

  Stephen Colbert

  Funny, Moon, Space

  "Super PAC Satire: Colbert Explains (Faux) Presidential Run to ABC News". abcnews.go.com. January 15, 2012.

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• Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty.

  Stephen Colbert

  Perception, Matter, Facts

  Interview with Nathan Rabin, www.avclub.com. January 25, 2006.

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• When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.

  Stephen Colbert

  Change, Monday, Business

  "Wiseguy Bush sends in the clones" by Ewen MacAskill, www.theguardian.com. April 30, 2006.

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• Yesterday in a 25 to 24 vote, Republicans welcomed back Lott back into their leadership and named him minority whip. That is great for Trent. They say minority whip is a stepping stone to Grand Wizard.

  Stephen Colbert

  Yesterday, Minorities, Wizards

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• We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and Republicans alike....We voted for the people who voted for it, and then voted for the people who reauthorized it, then voted for the people who re-re-authorize d it.

  Stephen Colbert

  Surveillance State, People, Credit

  "Stephen Colbert gives controversial security conference talk" By Heather Kelly, www.cnn.com. March 3, 2014.

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• Thankfully dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. So whatever your dream is right now, if you don't achieve it, you haven't failed and you're not some loser-but just as importantly-if you do get your dream, you're not a winner.

  Stephen Colbert

  Graduation, Dream, Princess

  "15 Memorable Celebrity Graduation Speeches" by Jeryl Brunner, www.huffingtonpost.com. May 29, 2014.

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• Donald Trump, yes, he's somebody's little boy. But he is his ideas because his ideas are what's going to affect us. As a man, he can do very little. But his ideas could kill us all.

  Stephen Colbert

  Boys, Men, Little Boys

  Source: www.chicagotribune.com

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• In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.

  Stephen Colbert

  Artist, America, Way

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• Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.

  Stephen Colbert

  Book, People, Attention

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• I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids.

  Stephen Colbert

  Laughter, Medicine, Antibiotics

  "Stephen Colbert on why Stephen Colbert is awesome". Interview with Dan Snierson, ew.com. January 11, 2007.

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• I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.

  Stephen Colbert

  Crush, Girl, Teacher

  Interview with Ken P., www.ign.com. August 11, 2003.

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• I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.

  Stephen Colbert

  Fighting, May, Agree

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• I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.

  Stephen Colbert

  Real, Long, Aliens

  "Stephen Colbert for U.S. Senate! (Seriously)" by Dean Obeidallah, www.huffingtonpost.com. December 12, 2012.

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• If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

  Stephen Colbert

  Stupid, Self, Waiting

  Twitter post from Jun 27, 2012

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• Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies

  Stephen Colbert

  Butterfly, Discovery, Opposites

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• I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?

  Stephen Colbert

  Funny, Sex, Book

  "The Colbert Report", Season 3. Comedy, News, Talk-Show, 2007.

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• Football is American; why are the Romans numering our bowls?!

  Stephen Colbert

  Football, Bowls

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• I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!

  Stephen Colbert

  Believe, Soul, Machines

  "The Colbert Report". TV Series, www.imdb.com. 2005-2015.

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• If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.

  Stephen Colbert

  Dimes, Broke, Ifs

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