Bill Hicks Quotes - Page 9

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• I got this big fear of doing smoking jokes in my act and showing up five years from now goin' [puts mic to his neck and speaks as if he had a mechanical larynx] 'good evening everybody, remember me, smoking's bad. [puts cigarette to neck and mimics smoking it] Eeww. You ever seen somebody do that? I've seen someone do that. Let me tell you something — if you're smoking out of a hole in your neck [mimics it again] I'd think about quitting. And that's just me, ya know.

  Bill Hicks

  Thinking, Years, Smoking

  "Sane Man". Stand-up show, 1989.

  6 Copy quote

• People are bringing SHOTGUNS to UFO sightings...brings a whole new meaning to that phrase 'You ain't from around here, ar'ya?'

  Bill Hicks

  People, Phrases, Shotguns

  9 Copy quote

• I was over in Australia during Easter, which was really interesting. You know, they celebrate Easter the exact same way we do, commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children that a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night. Now I wonder why we're f-ked up as a race. I've read the Bible. I can't find the word "bunny" or "chocolate" anywhere in the f-king book.

  Bill Hicks

  Jesus, Easter, Kings

  "Filling Up the Hump". Audio bootleg, 1993.

  9 Copy quote

• If ur going to have a war on drugs, have them against ALL drugs, including alcohol, the number one offender.

  Bill Hicks

  War, Numbers, Alcohol

  9 Copy quote

• This is the idea that has made me...an anonymous figure in America...If you have children here tonight...they are NOT special.

  Bill Hicks

  Children, Ideas, America

  8 Copy quote

• I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift.

  Bill Hicks

  Believe, Cost, Pay

  Bill Hicks (2009). “Love All the People (New Edition)”, p.35, Hachette UK

  6 Copy quote

• I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Humor, Average

  43 Copy quote

• It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me...oxygen tent, iron lung.

  Bill Hicks

  Oxygen, Iron, People

  4 Copy quote

• I've had good times on drugs...bad times on drugs...But I've had good and bad relationships...and I'm not giving up pussy.

  Bill Hicks

  Giving Up, Bad Relationship, Drug

  6 Copy quote

• Dinosaur fossils were placed in rocks by prankster God just to make human beings think the world is older than it is.

  Bill Hicks

  Thinking, Rocks, World

  5 Copy quote

• I began working quite young, writing, growing, maturing, always striving to top myself - to make people laugh hard at things they know and believe deep in their hearts to be true.

  Bill Hicks

  Believe, Writing, Heart

  7 Copy quote

• I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it. I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here.

  Bill Hicks

  Jesus, Lying, Sarcasm

  6 Copy quote

• Marijuana grows naturally...Don't you think making nature against the law seems a bit, I don't know, unnatural?

  Bill Hicks

  Marijuana, Thinking, Law

  5 Copy quote

• We killed 6 innocent people, launching 22, I think $3 million apiece missiles on Baghdad...that's a little bit overdoing it.

  Bill Hicks

  Thinking, People, Baghdad

  7 Copy quote

• On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: "I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did."

  Bill Hicks

  People, Theft, Materials

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  7 Copy quote

• I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA: seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first: Iraq: 150,000, USA: 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!"

  Bill Hicks

  Mean, Usa, Iraq

  "Bill Hicks: Relentless". Documentary, Comedy, 1992.

  8 Copy quote

• We are one with God and He loves us. Now if that isn't a hazard to this country-How're we gonna keep building nuclear weapons?

  Bill Hicks

  Country, Hazards, Nuclear

  4 Copy quote

• But where did this veneration of childbirth come from? I missed that meeting. Childbirth is wonderful, childbirth is a miracle. Wrong. It's no more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out your ass.

  Bill Hicks

  Sex, Miracle, Wonderful

  9 Copy quote

• Surgeon General's warning ought to read: Smoking has been determined t0 cause cancer, heart disease & rednecks with seniority.

  Bill Hicks

  Cancer, Heart, Redneck

  7 Copy quote

• See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of A., the United States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you've got the money!

  Bill Hicks

  Expression, America, United States

  7 Copy quote

• BTW A 24 week old embryo is not a human being. You're not a human being until you're in my phone book.

  Bill Hicks

  Book, Phones, Stupidity

  8 Copy quote

• Nonsmokers--this is for you and you only. Ready? Nonsmokers die every day. Sleep tight.

  Bill Hicks

  Sleep, Ready, Dies

  Bill Hicks (2009). “Love All the People (New Edition)”, p.99, Hachette UK

  6 Copy quote

• People in the U.K. share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself. They have a sense of irony, which America doesn't have, seeing as it's being run by fundamentalists who take things literally.

  Bill Hicks

  Running, America, People

  4 Copy quote

• [Comedy] is an escape from illusions. The audience is...thinking, 'This bullshit we see and hear all day makes no sense.'

  Bill Hicks

  Thinking, Bullshit, Comedy

  6 Copy quote

• Are gun rights advocates arguing that roving gangs...shooting innocent bystanders constitutes a 'well-regulated militia'?

  Bill Hicks

  Gun, Bystanders, Rights

  4 Copy quote

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