Jokes Quotes - Page 37

• If I should ever die, God forbid, I hope you will say, 'Kurt is up in heaven now.' That's my favorite joke.

  Kurt Vonnegut

  Heaven, My Favorite, Should

  Kurt Vonnegut (2011). “A Man Without a Country”, p.80, Seven Stories Press

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• If fate doesn't make you laugh, you just don't get the joke.

  Gregory David Roberts

  Fate, Laughing, Shantaram

  Gregory David Roberts (2004). “Shantaram: A Novel”, p.151, Macmillan

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• They all think any minute I'm going to commit suicide. What a joke. The truth of course is the exact opposite: suicide is the only thing that keeps me alive. Whenever everything else fails, all I have to do is consider suicide and in two seconds I'm as cheerful as a nitwit. But if I could not kill myself -- ah then, I would. I can do without nembutal or murder mysteries but not without suicide.

  Walker Percy

  Suicide, Thinking, Opposites

  Walker Percy (2011). “The Moviegoer”, p.84, Open Road Media

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• When I told him on the phone that after all you and I would not be getting married, he said "Oh-oh. Do you think you'll ever manage to get another one?" If I'd objected to his saying that he would naturally have said it was a joke. And it was a joke. I have not managed to get another one but perhaps have not been in the best condition to try.

  Alice Munro

  Thinking, Phones, Trying

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• What incensed him the most was the blatant jokes of the ones that passed it all off as a jest, pretending to understand everything and in reality not knowing their own minds.

  James Joyce

  Reality, Knowing, Mind

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• But if you were Charlotte, and you had been feeling that life was some cosmic joke that had no punchline, and in the space of a moment you had gone from being Charlotte-without-a-kitten to being Charlotte-with-a-kitten, you too would have found it nothing short of remarkable.

  Anne Ursu

  Space, Feelings, Gone

  Anne Ursu, Eric Fortune (2007). “The Shadow Thieves”, p.7, Simon and Schuster

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• And there's a cop over there." "What?" the boy said, glancing at the D.C. police officer that stood at the corner of the street, "You think that guys can do a better job protecting you than I can?" Actually, I thought Liz could have done a better job "protecting" me than he could, but instead I said, "No, I think if you don't leave me alone, I can scream and that cop will arrest you." Somehow the boy seemed to know it was a joke.

  Ally Carter

  Jobs, Boys, Thinking

  Ally Carter (2011). “Cross My Heart And Hope To Spy”, p.53, Hachette UK

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• The cheesecake was smooth and lush, with the personality of a warm and well-to-do uncle who knows a hundred dirty jokes and will die of sexual exertions in the arms of his mistress.

  Don DeLillo

  Uncles, Dirty, Personality

  Don DeLillo (2015). “Underworld: Picador Classic”, p.177, Pan Macmillan

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• High school wasn't a trial by fire or some ordeal that had to be survived. It was all a big joke. You just had to provide the laugh track.

  Scott Westerfeld

  School, Fire, Track

  Scott Westerfeld (2009). “Midnighters #3: Blue Noon”, p.15, Harper Collins

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• If they invent a car that runs on stupid jokes, you could go far.

  Haruki Murakami

  Running, Stupid, Car

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• Each thing I do, I rush through so I can do something else. In such a way do the days pass - -a blend of stock car racing and the never ending building of a gothic cathedral. Through the windows of my speeding car I see all that I love falling away: books unread, jokes untold, landscapes unvisited.

  Stephen Dobyns

  Book, Fall, Stock Car Racing

  Stephen Dobyns, “Pursuit”

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• Little fussy Otto, in his red-lined black opera cloak with pockets for all his gear, his shiny black shoes, his carefully cut widow's peak and, not least, his ridiculous accent that grew thicker or thinner depending on who he was talking to, did not look like a threat. He looked funny, a joke, a music-hall vampire. It had never previously occurred to Vimes that, just possibly, the joke was on other people.

  Terry Pratchett

  Cutting, Talking, Shoes

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• And it's Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle - Flint alongside her - poke him in the eye, Angelina - it was a joke, professor, it was a joke.

  J. K. Rowling

  Eye, Professors, Possession

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• The wisest and the best of men, nay, the wisest and best of their actions, may be rendered ridiculous by a person whose first object in life is a joke.

  Jane Austen

  Men, May, Firsts

  Jane Austen (1853). “Pride and Prejudice”, p.49

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• Don't worry, Mrs. Colder. For the most part, we keep him leashed and gagged. We only let him free when the cute little animal jokes are needed. ~Sherra Callahan (on Kane Tyler)~

  Lora Leigh

  Cute, Animal, Worry

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• Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke.

  Stephen Colbert

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• Ranger is an unusual name," she managed. "Is it a nickname?" It's a street name," Ranger said. "I was a Ranger in the army." I heard about them Rangers on TV," Grandma said. "I heard they get dogs pregnant." My father's mouth dropped open and a piece of ham fell out. My mother froze, her fork poised in midair. That's sort of a joke," I told Grandma. "Rangers don't get dogs pregnant in real life." I looked at Ranger for corroboration and got another smile.

  Janet Evanovich

  Mother, Dog, Father

  Janet Evanovich (2001). “Three Plums In One: One for the Money, Two for the Dough, Three to Get Deadly”, p.644, Simon and Schuster

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• Science is a bit like the joke about the drunk who is looking under a lamppost for a key that he has lost on the other side of the street, because that's where the light is. It has no other choice.

  Noam Chomsky

  Science, Keys, Light

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• The studying, the books, exams, arguments, theories. The jokes and pints, laughter, kisses and songs. Life was like running, ninety percent sweat and toil, ten per cent joy.

  Siobhan Dowd

  Running, Song, Laughter

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• And what if we’d been utterly open? Made jokes about the first wife? What if we’d been that kind of family? Well, I would have been different, surely. But not because I knew the secret. For it wasn’t the secret—the secret that wasn’t a secret anyway—that led to the austerity in our lives. It was the austerity that led to the secret. And what I had been marked by, probably most of all, was the austerity. It had made secrets in my life too. Or silences, anyway, that became secrets. That became lies.

  Sue Miller

  Lying, Wife, Silence

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• A sparrow lay dead on the backseat. She had found her way through a hole in the windscreen, tempted by some seat-sponge for her nest. She never found her way out. No one noticed her panicked car-window appeals. She died on the backseat, with her legs in the air. Like a joke.

  Arundhati Roy

  Air, Car, Legs

  Arundhati Roy (2002). “The God of Small Things”, p.296, Penguin Books India

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• Life is funny, baby, and that's no joke

  Rachel Cohn

  Life, Baby, Life Is

  Rachel Cohn (2011). “Gingerbread”, p.34, Simon and Schuster

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• It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.

  Rick Riordan

  Life, Humorous, Enjoy

  Rick Riordan (2009). “Percy Jackson and the Last Olympian”, p.37, Penguin UK

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• I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it.

  Neil Gaiman

  Lying, Believe, Games

  "American Gods". Book by Neil Gaiman. Chapter 13, 2001.

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• The joke's on them. One little hypodermic wont' be enough. Split a piece of wood, and they'll find me. Lift up a stone, and they'll find me. Look in the mirror, and they'll find me...If you really want to know what makes someone a killer, ask yourself what would make you do it.

  Jodi Picoult

  Mirrors, Looks, Pieces

  Jodi Picoult (2008). “Change of Heart: A Novel”, p.158, Simon and Schuster

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