Hilarious Quotes - Page 6

• When a subject becomes totally obsolete we make it a required course.

  Peter Drucker

  Funny, Education, Witty

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• I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.

  Mark Twain

  Inspiration, Ironic, Dozen

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• The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.

  Nicolas Chamfort

  Funny, Laughter, Useless Things

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• I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human, with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it at the most important moments.

  Jim Morrison

  Blow, Intelligent, Soul

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  People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Lying, People, Tabloids

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• Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

  Will Smith

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

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• I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Mother, Witty

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• Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• And certainly, the mistakes that we male and female mortals make when we have our own way might fairly raise some wonder that we are so fond of it.

  George Eliot

  Mistake, Males, Female

  George Eliot (2015). “Middlemarch”, p.78, Booklassic

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  If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

  Bette Midler

  Love, Funny, Sexy

  Twitter post from Mar 27, 2014

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• Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Humor, Guy

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• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Birthday

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• What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Anniversary, Witty

  Mark Twain (2015). “Bite-Size Twain: Wit and Wisdom from the Literary Legend”, p.41, St. Martin's Press

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  There's power in looking silly and not caring that you do.

  Amy Poehler

  Life, Silly, I Hate You

  65 Copy quote

• When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Witty, Sorry

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• If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important Rule of Beauty. “Who cares?”

  Tina Fey

  Inspirational, Inspiring, Witty

  "Bossypants". Book by Tina Fey, April 5, 2011.

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• I only go out to get me a fresh appetite for being alone.

  Lord Byron

  Being Alone, Appetite For Life, Solitude

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• Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

  Charlotte Whitton

  Funny, Strong Women, Humorous

  Canada Month, June 1963. A later satirical version of this saying added to the end "Luckily, this is not difficult" (Paul Dickson, The Official Rules [1978]). See Eleanor Roosevelt 2

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• I am joined with no foot land-rakers, no long-staff, sixpenny strikers, none of these mad, mustachio purple-hued maltworms, but with nobility and tranquillity.

  William Shakespeare

  Purple, Mad

  "Henry the Fourth". Part One,

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• I always say, the bigger the hair, the smaller the hips!

  Christie Brinkley

  Inspiring, Hair, Hips

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• The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.

  Rachel Vincent

  Doors, Giving, Receiving

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  Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.

  Joseph Conrad

  Funny, Strong Women, Independent Women

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• The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

  Douglas Adams

  Funny, Laughter, Sky

  Douglas Adams (2009). “The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy”, p.26, Pan Macmillan

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• I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

  "I Have A Pony". Comedy album by Steven Wright, 1985.

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• I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Graduation, Jealousy

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