Hilarious Quotes - Page 9

• Nicole can do anything that involves a ball and whistle.

  Laurie Halse Anderson

  Balls, Nicole, Can Do

  Laurie Halse Anderson (2011). “Speak”, p.19, Macmillan

  9 Copy quote

  Show source

• I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are. That's where us gay people come from - you heterosexuals.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Inspirational, Funny, Gay

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  39 Copy quote

  Show source

• This is possibly the most shameful situation I've ever gotten myself in in my life, and I've done some pretty dumb things in my life. So to actually make a new No. 1 is spectacularly stupid.

  Russell Crowe

  Stupid, Dumb, Done

  "Russell Crowe Apologizes for Phone Rage". www.foxnews.com. June 8, 2005.

  4 Copy quote

  Show source

• Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Light, Twenties, Letters

  9 Copy quote

• The best part about being alone is that you really don't have to answer to anybody. You do what you want.

  Justin Timberlake

  Being Alone, Feeling Alone, Answers

  12 Copy quote

• Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.

  George Ade

  Sarcastic, Laughter, Funny Life

  Fables in Slang (1900) p. 133

  16 Copy quote

  Show source

• I fell into writing, I suppose, being one of those awful children who wrote verses. I went to a convent in New York-the Blessed Sacrament... I was fired from there, finally, for a lot of things, among them my insistence that the Immaculate Conception was spontaneous combustion.

  Dorothy Parker

  New York, Children, Blessed

  8 Copy quote

• We found a great rhythm. Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music.

  Matthew McConaughey

  Kicking, Legs, Found

  7 Copy quote

• Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Women, Stupid

  Dave Barry (2012). “The Greatest Invention in the History of Mankind Is Beer: And Other Manly Insights from Dave Barry”, p.35, Andrews McMeel Publishing

  36 Copy quote

  Show source

• Thou art a very ragged Wart.

  William Shakespeare

  Art, Warts, Ragged

  William Shakespeare, Bowdler (1823). “The family Shakspeare”, p.247

  5 Copy quote

  Show source

• I'll be honest, I felt an urge to squeeze him like a kitten and that led to the gesture I made. There was nothing behind it really.

  Vladimir Putin

  Gestures, Honest, Kitten

  6 Copy quote

• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

  Earl Wilson

  Inspirational, Funny, Motivational

  237 Copy quote

• Did you ever think that making a speech on economy is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.

  Lyndon B. Johnson

  Funny, Wisdom, Witty

  30 Copy quote

• People all over the world recognize me as a spiritual leader.

  Steven Seagal

  Spiritual, Real, Inspiration

  32 Copy quote

• Matt would stare at Andrew for 10 minutes. It's depressing that people are different. Everyone should be one person, who should then kill itself in hand-to-hand combat.

  Tao Lin

  Depressing, Hands, People

  6 Copy quote

• I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

  Charles Lamb

  Funny, Witty, Retirement

  72 Copy quote

• This is the only naked man that will ever be in my bedroom.

  Melissa Etheridge

  Men, Naked, Bedroom

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  6 Copy quote

  Show source

• A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted.

  Helen Rowland

  Love, Funny, Marriage

  A Guide to Men prelude (1922)

  15 Copy quote

  Show source

• The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.

  Quentin Crisp

  Forgiveness, Thinking, Glowing

  18 Copy quote

• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. -T-Shirt

  Darynda Jones

  Funny Life, Argument, Realizing

  Darynda Jones (2012). “Third Grave Dead Ahead”, p.143, Macmillan

  7 Copy quote

  Show source

• I needed to make my wig ogg because I no longer wanted to apologize for who I am

  Viola Davis

  Inspiring, Hair, Who I Am

  7 Copy quote

• I want to focus on my salad.

  Martha Stewart

  Memorable, Focus, Want

  Martha Stewart (2005). “The World According to Martha”, McGraw-Hill Companies

  26 Copy quote

  Show source

• That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.

  Dorothy Parker

  Inspirational, Funny, Witty

  Quoted in AlexanderWoollcott, While Rome Burns (1934)

  57 Copy quote

  Show source

• To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

  Rita Rudner

  Inspirational, Funny, Witty

  16 Copy quote

• If women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be sincerely believe this - no military conflicts, and when there WAS a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon

  Dave Barry

  Military, Believe, Flower

  25 Copy quote