Hilarious Quotes - Page 4

• A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Witty, Home

  George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.43, Hachette UK

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• I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.

  Patrick Murray

  Love, Funny, Marriage

  54 Copy quote

• Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Parenting, Political Will

  The Illiterate Digest "Warning to Jokers: Lay Off the Prince" (1924)

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• Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.

  Daniel Handler

  Two, Three, Cards

  31 Copy quote

• Look how often the unexpected happens - yet we still never expect it.

  Ashleigh Brilliant

  Looks, Unexpected, Stills

  8 Copy quote

• Do we have to know who's gay and who's straight? Can't we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Gay, Judging, Car

  40 Copy quote

• Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Men, Bank Accounts

  56 Copy quote

• There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Funny, Single, Sexy

  P. J. O'Rourke (1983). “Modern manners”, Dell Books

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• Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

  Robert Bloch

  Funny, Humor, Feelings

  84 Copy quote

• Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

  Timothy Leary

  Funny, Girly, Strong Women

  "Third and Possibly the Best 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said". Book by Robert Byrne, No. 40, 1986.

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• I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Marriage, Truth

  128 Copy quote

• If you even dream of beating me you'd better wake up and apologize.

  Muhammad Ali

  Dream, Love Yourself, Don't Give Up

  Twitter post from Sep 16, 2010

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• The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

  Natalie Wood

  Funny, Success, Sarcastic

  91 Copy quote

• Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

  Sam Ewing

  Funny, Birthday, Money

  92 Copy quote

• If you want a friend in Washington, buy a dog.

  Harry S. Truman

  Funny, Dog, Witty

  "The Wit & Wisdom of Harry Truman".

  64 Copy quote

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• If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

  Henny Youngman

  Inspirational, Funny, Success

  81 Copy quote

• Forgive me now - tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty.

  Ashleigh Brilliant

  Funny, Life, Witty

  16 Copy quote

• At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

  Ann Landers

  Funny, Humorous, Party

  31 Copy quote

• If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.

  Wilson Mizner

  Inspirational, Funny, Education

  Quoted in Bennett Cerf, Try and Stop Me: A Collection of Anecdotes and Stories, Mostly Humorous (1944). Although this is usually credited to Mizner, the Los Angeles Times, 17 Mar. 1941, quotes Bob Oliver: "If you steal from one man, it's plagiarism. If you steal from several, it's research."

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• A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'

  Claude Pepper

  Funny, Laughter, Humorous

  75 Copy quote

• Men are simpler than you imagine my sweet child. But what goes on in the twisted, tortuous minds of women would baffle anyone.

  Daphne du Maurier

  Funny, Sweet, Children

  Daphne Du Maurier (2012). “Daphne du Maurier Omnibus 4: Rebecca; My Cousin Rachel”, p.172, Hachette UK

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• God gives us our relatives – thank God we can choose our friends.

  Addison Mizner

  Inspirational, Funny, Friendship

  "The Complete Cynic".

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• When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

  Norm Crosby

  Funny, Smart, Humor

  333 Copy quote

• If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Inspirational, Funny, Clever

  31 Copy quote

• Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Long, Eternity

  17 Copy quote