Funny Marriage Quotes - Page 9

• Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

  Rita Rudner

  Marriage, Children, Weekend

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• Marriage is for women the commonest mode of livelihood, and the total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution.

  Bertrand Russell

  Marriage, Sex, Feminist

  Bertrand Russell (2009). “Marriage and Morals”, p.94, Routledge

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• Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage.

  William Shakespeare

  Marriage, Night, Clown

  'Twelfth Night' (1601) act 1, sc. 5, l. [20]

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• Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them.

  Sydney Smith

  Anniversary, Marriage, Moving

  Quoted in Lady Holland, Memoir (1855)

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• Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?

  Barbra Streisand

  Inspirational, Funny, Success

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• Love is being stupid together.

  Paul Valery

  Love, Romantic, Valentines Day

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• The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults.

  Peter De Vries

  Inspirational, Marriage, Children

  Tunnel of Love (1954) ch. 8

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• Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.

  Mae West

  Love, Funny, Marriage

  Mae West (1967). “The wit and wisdom of Mae West”

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• Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.

  Chris Rock

  People, Married, Miserable

  "Everybody loves Chris". Interview with Ed Pilkington, www.theguardian.com. January 7, 2008.

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• Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

  Joey Adams

  Funny, Marriage, Witty

  Joey Adams (1957). “Cindy and I: The Real Life Adventures of Mr. and Mrs. Joey Adams”

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• Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

  Woody Allen

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  "Standup Comic". A CD compilation of Allen comedy routines from 1964-1968, 1999.

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• I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.

  Marie Corelli

  Funny, Marriage, Wedding

  143 Copy quote

• I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Marriage, Hilarious

  68 Copy quote

• It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Marriage, Dog, Couple

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• With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Birthday, Men, Wife

  Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.34, Zondervan

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• Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.

  Bette Davis

  Respect, Ends, Conventions

  Bette Davis (1962). “The lonely life: an autobiography”, Putnam's

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• When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

  Sacha Guitry

  Inspirational, Funny, Marriage

  "Book of Humorous Quotations" edited by Connie Robertson, (p. 83), 1998.

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• Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three.

  Billie Holiday

  Funny, Marriage, Hilarious

  Billie Holiday, William Dufty (2011). “Lady Sings the Blues: The 50th-Anniversay Edition with a Revised Discography”, p.13, Broadway Books

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• Marriage is a good deal like a circus: there is not as much in it as is represented in the advertising.

  E. W. Howe

  Circus, Advertising, Deals

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• If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.

  Kin Hubbard

  Smile, Wife, Cop

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• Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.

  Stephen Leacock

  Love, Marriage, Girl

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities.

  Thomas Mann

  Love, Life, Quality

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• Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.

  Shelley Winters

  Lunch, Wife, Want

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• Any young man who is unmarried at the age of twenty one is a menace to the community.

  Brigham Young

  Marriage, Men, Community

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• Doubt thou the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt I love.

  William Shakespeare

  Love, Boyfriend, Valentines Day

  'Hamlet' (1601) act 2, sc. 2, l. [115]

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