Funny Marriage Quotes - Page 11

• Our marriage has always been a 50-50 proposition - with the possible exception of closet space.

  Gene Perret

  Marriage, Wedding Anniversary, Space

  4 Copy quote

• [about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Sex, Humor

  "Jeff Foxworthy: Totally Committed". www.imdb.com. 1998.

  11 Copy quote

  Show source

• Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?

  Carrie Snow

  Funny, Men, Married

  10 Copy quote

• Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn't even have when you were on your own.

  Eddie Cantor

  Inspirational, Marriage, Wedding

  19 Copy quote

• Marriage - as its veterans know well - is the continuous process of getting used to things you hadn't expected.

  Thomas Mullen

  Life, Marriage, Veteran

  5 Copy quote

• An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring... I ought to know.

  Bette Davis

  Add, Spices, Affair

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  20 Copy quote

  Show source

• So I hope husbands and wives will continue to debate and combat
  Over everything debatable and combatable
  Because I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life
  Particularly if he has income and she is pattable.

  Ogden Nash

  Husband, Believe, Wife

  Ogden Nash, “I Do, I Will, I Have”

  26 Copy quote

  Show source

• Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

  Tommy Cooper

  Wife, Toilets, Married

  7 Copy quote

• Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

  Billy Connolly

  Marriage, Funny Love, Wedding

  Twitter post from Sep 12, 2011

  19 Copy quote

  Show source

• It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them.

  Agatha Christie

  Love, Cute, Confused

  Agatha Christie (2010). “An Autobiography”, p.66, HarperCollins UK

  73 Copy quote

  Show source

• If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

  Johnny Carson

  Funny, Life, Marriage

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  58 Copy quote

  Show source

• She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

  Chic Murray

  Dresses, Dry, Married

  6 Copy quote

• Sex in marriage is like medicine. Three times a day for the first week. Then once a day for another week. Then once every three or four days till the condition clears up.

  Peter De Vries

  Sex, Medicine, Three

  Peter De Vries (1968). “The Cat's Pajamas and Witch's Milk”

  7 Copy quote

  Show source

• I don't think it's fair - you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring. Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the color when you come home. 'Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain't getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it.'

  Adam Ferrara

  Home, Cutting, Boys

  5 Copy quote

• My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you - I hope she meets somebody nice.

  Adam Ferrara

  Girlfriend, Nice, Want

  4 Copy quote

• I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.

  Gilbert Gottfried

  Children, Done, Foxes

  4 Copy quote

• When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!

  George Lopez

  Girl, Good Luck, Sleep

  "George Lopez". TV Series, m.imdb.com. 2002-2007.

  5 Copy quote

  Show source

• I was married once before, and I stopped.

  Marc Maron

  Married

  4 Copy quote

• I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.

  Rodney Carrington

  Children, Kids, Comedian

  8 Copy quote

• She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

  Red Skelton

  Funny, Humor, Bread

  14 Copy quote

• I always said if I ever get married, I would tell my woman - I love Michael Jordan, I am a Michael Jordan fanatic - I said, 'Michael Jordan is the only athlete you can sleep with and I wouldn't get mad, as long as you got something signed. You gotta bring back a ball, a hat or something. You can't just give away that sh*t for free.'

  Aries Spears

  Sleep, Athlete, Long

  10 Copy quote

• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

  Dorothy Parker

  Funny, Anniversary, Valentines Day

  102 Copy quote

• My wife assures me she didn't sleep with Tiger Woods, but how can I believe her?

  Tim Piper

  Believe, Sleep, Wife

  5 Copy quote

• When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

  Helen Rowland

  Funny, Marriage, Girl

  Quoted in Evan Esar, The Dictionary of Humorous Quotations (1949)

  35 Copy quote

  Show source
• 

  Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

  Johnny Carson

  Inspirational, Marriage, Wedding

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  80 Copy quote

  Show source