Funny Marriage Quotes - Page 5

• For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.

  Catherine Zeta-Jones

  Love, Marriage, Soulmate

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  46 Copy quote

  Show source

• Men never know how tired they are till their wives sit them down for a nice long talk.

  Mignon McLaughlin

  Inspirational, Funny, Marriage

  Mignon McLaughlin (2014). “Aperçus: The Aphorisms of Mignon McLaughlin”, p.22, BookBaby

  10 Copy quote

  Show source

• No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

  Honore de Balzac

  Funny, Marriage, Witty

  No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. The Physiology of Marriage Meditation V, Aphorism 28

  63 Copy quote

  Show source

• I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

  Henny Youngman

  Lakes, Water, Wife

  29 Copy quote

• We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.

  Mort Sahl

  Marriage, Children, Broken

  Mort Sahl (1976). “Heartland”, New York : Harcourt Brace Jovanovich

  13 Copy quote

  Show source

• Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.

  Kathy Lette

  Funny, Women, Cocky

  FaceBook post by Kathy Lette from Feb 25, 2013

  7 Copy quote

  Show source

• If you want your wife to listen to you, talk to another woman.

  Bob Phillips

  Wife, Want, Another Woman

  4 Copy quote

• Why can't women tell jokes? Because we marry them!

  Kathy Lette

  Jokes

  4 Copy quote

• She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

  Henny Youngman

  Marriage, Faces, Comedy

  10 Copy quote
• 

  If I get married, I want to be very married.

  Audrey Hepburn

  Inspiring, Marriage, Wedding

  45 Copy quote

• Marriage is nature's way of ensuring that a woman picks up some mothering experience before she has her first child.

  Robert Breault

  Children, Way, Firsts

  5 Copy quote

• The Equal Rights Amendment would "turn holy wedlock into holy deadlock."

  William Rehnquist

  Rights, Holy, Amendments

  18 Copy quote

• If Marilyn is in love with my husband it proves she has good taste, for I am in love with him too.

  Simone Signoret

  Husband, Taste, Prove

  The New York Journal-American, November 14, 1960.

  12 Copy quote

  Show source

• My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

  Henny Youngman

  Sea, Wife, Hotel

  "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America". Book by Lawrence J. Epstein, 2001.

  7 Copy quote

  Show source

• If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family.

  Laurence Housman

  Marriage, Mothers Day, Mom

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

  9 Copy quote

  Show source

• I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

  Lewis Grizzard

  Marriage, Inspiration, Sleep

  921 Copy quote

• My mother once told me that if a married couple puts a penny in a pot for every time they make love in the first year, and takes a penny out every time after that, they'll never get all the pennies out of the pot.

  Armistead Maupin

  Marriage, Mother, Couple

  Armistead Maupin (1989). “Tales of the city ; More tales of the city ; Further tales of the city: an omnibus”, Vintage

  7 Copy quote

  Show source

• If love means never having to say you're sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.

  Estelle Getty

  Sorry, Memorable, Mean

  21 Copy quote

• Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.

  Minnie Pearl

  Love, Funny, Marriage

  28 Copy quote

• The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Life, Marriage

  137 Copy quote

• Behind every great man there is a surprised woman.

  Maryon Pearson

  Marriage, Sarcastic, Wedding

  49 Copy quote

• The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

  Groucho Marx

  Marriage, Funny Love, Wedding

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  69 Copy quote

  Show source

• Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

  Jim Backus

  Marriage, Humorous, Drinking

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

  15 Copy quote

  Show source

• Marriage is three parts love and seven parts forgiveness of sins.

  Laozi

  Relationship, Marriage, Couple

  25 Copy quote
• 

  Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Birthday, Epic

  72 Copy quote