Comedian Quotes - Page 7

• Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!

  Mitch Hedberg

  Sarcastic, Humorous, Finding Yourself

  "Mitch Hedberg: Mitch All Together". Comedy, 2003.

  14 Copy quote

  Show source

• I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Ducks, Bread, Opinion

  "Just For Laughs: On The Edge". 2002.

  37 Copy quote

  Show source

• It's not all about acting. It's about giving an art of entertainment to humanity.

  Sean Berdy

  Art, Giving, Humanity

  59 Copy quote

• Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.

  John Bishop

  Soccer, Sports, Football

  52 Copy quote

• Being a successful person is not necessarily defined by what you have achieved, but by what you have overcome.

  Fannie Flagg

  Success, Adversity, Overcoming

  Fannie Flagg (2013). “The All-Girl Filling Station's Last Reunion: A Novel”, p.335, Random House

  55 Copy quote

  Show source

• The freedom of any society varies proportionately with the volume of its laughter.

  Zero Mostel

  Sarcastic, Laughter, Freedom

  59 Copy quote

• While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Forgiveness, Humorous

  Jim Norton (2008). “I Hate Your Guts”, p.158, Simon and Schuster

  65 Copy quote

  Show source

• It’s sad. Marxism didn’t work. Communism didn’t work. Capitalism doesn’t work.  Nothing works. Even democracy doesn’t work. Democracy-the greatest form of government and we have two choices for who’s our leader. In fascism you only have one choice. That’s great. We have one more choice than the worst form of government.

  Colin Quinn

  Sad, Leadership, Work

  44 Copy quote

• As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Wedding, Sex

  Twitter post from May 25, 2014

  8 Copy quote

  Show source

• Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

  Henny Youngman

  Sarcastic, Years, Two

  30 Copy quote

• If there's anything I like better than honey and ketchup, it's baloney and whipped cream --- and we haven't got any!

  Moe Howard

  Food, Honey, Three Stooges

  36 Copy quote

• Same sex marriage isn't gay privilege, it's equal rights. Privilege would be something like gay people not paying taxes. Like churches don't.

  Ricky Gervais

  Marriage, Sex, Gay

  FaceBook post by Ricky Gervais from Apr 29, 2015

  53 Copy quote

  Show source

• This country has a mental health problem disguised as a gun problem, and a tyranny problem disguised as a security problem.

  Joe Rogan

  Inspirational, Motivational, Country

  Twitter post from Jan 27, 2013

  44 Copy quote

  Show source

• I've come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis. I love the guy but the fan clubs really freak me out.

  John Fugelsang

  Funny, Christian, Jesus

  150 Copy quote

• Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

  Eddie Izzard

  Funny, Humorous, Gun

  Twitter post from Aug 24, 2014

  31 Copy quote

  Show source

• When a man carries a gun all the time, the respect he thinks he's getting might really be fear. So I don't carry a gun because I don't want the people of Mayberry to fear a gun. I'd rather they respect me.

  Andy Griffith

  Respect, Fear, Gun

  "Fictional character: Andy Taylor". TV Series "The Andy Griffith Show", 1960-1968.

  165 Copy quote

  Show source

• Running is special. We've all done it: well, poorly, focused, in fear, being pursued, toward a goal. It's just elemental. Running is like fire.

  Rob Delaney

  Funny, Running, Fear

  46 Copy quote

• If you put your foot in it, be sure it's your best foot.

  Mae West

  Inspirational, Success, Feet

  Mae West (1967). “The wit and wisdom of Mae West”

  9 Copy quote

  Show source

• Nerd. One whose unbridled passion for something defines who they are as a person, without fear of other people's judgment.

  Zachary Levi

  Passion, People, Nerd

  23 Copy quote

• Your dream has to be bigger than your fear.

  Steve Harvey

  Inspirational, Dream, Fear

  Twitter post from Dec 01, 2016

  33 Copy quote

  Show source

• The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Baby, Jesus

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Dec 13, 2012

  71 Copy quote

  Show source

• Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Government, Next

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Aug 06, 2012

  7 Copy quote

  Show source

• All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Mourning, Independence

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Jul 25, 2012

  20 Copy quote

  Show source

• As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Believe, Stupid People

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Jul 06, 2012

  92 Copy quote

  Show source

• On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Anniversary, 4th Of July

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Jul 05, 2012

  24 Copy quote

  Show source