Comedian Quotes - Page 11

• Comedians are really writers who don't
  have pens and pencils about them, but
  they riff.

  Carl Reiner

  Pens, Pencils

  Interview with Ken Plume, asitecalledfred.com. October 2004.

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• If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.

  George Burns

  Laughing, Littles, Singers

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• In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.

  Billy Crystal

  Football, School, Games

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• Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

  Billy Connolly

  Inspirational, Funny, Witty

  874 Copy quote

• My whole thing is to entertain, make people laugh and to forget about the real world for awhile.

  Dan Aykroyd

  Fun, Laughter, Real

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• It's a sign of mediocrity when you demonstrate gratitude with moderation.

  Roberto Benigni

  Inspirational, Happiness, Thank You

  "Talking Shop At Oscar Time". Interview with Kenneth L. Woodward, www.newsweek.com. July 2, 1999.

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• 

  My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

  Jack Benny

  Love, Funny, Relationship

  74 Copy quote
• 

  If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

  Milton Berle

  Funny, Mothers Day, Hilarious

  248 Copy quote

• I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

  Elayne Boosler

  Relationship, Humorous, Men

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

  Victor Borge

  Funny, Christmas, Witty

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• Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Disappointment, Humor

  "A Note on George Carlin about Steroids and Sports from a Practical Idealist" by Carol Smaldino, www.huffingtonpost.com. June 19, 2009.

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• Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

  Jim Carrey

  Funny, Laughter, Women

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• Maybe I wanted to hear it so badly that my ears betrayed my mind in order to secure my heart.

  Margaret Cho

  Funny, Heart, Order

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• I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

  Louis C. K.

  Hate, Food, Eating Disorder

  73 Copy quote

• I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

  Bob Hope

  Funny, Money, America

  88 Copy quote

• Comedians are never really on vacation because you're always at attention... that antenna is always out there.

  Bob Newhart

  Vacation, Attention, Comedy

  "Bob Newhart Set For Las Vegas Show". Interview with Scott Gulbransen, states.aarp.org. November 3, 2016.

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• It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

  Harry Hill

  Funny, Nature, Glasses

  "Harry Hill". TV Series, 1997 - 2000.

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• Comedians and impressionists used to be two different showbiz animals entirely, but now there's no such thing as a comedian who doesn't do impressions.

  John Podhoretz

  Animal, Two, Different

  56 Copy quote

• Whatever talent I had, I'm sure it helped that my parents were in the business and that I grew up around actors, comedians and directors.

  Ben Stiller

  Parent, Directors, Actors

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• Normally, I name my characters after famous comedians.

  Paula Danziger

  Character, Names

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• Jesus was a brilliant Jewish stand-up comedian, a phenomenal improviser. His parables are great one-liners.

  Camille Paglia

  Jesus, Brilliant, One Liner

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• I never want to be called the funniest Indian female comedian that exists. I feel like I can go head-to-head with the best white, male comedy writers that are out there. Why would I want to self-categorize myself into a smaller group than I’m able to compete in?

  Mindy Kaling

  Badass, Comedy Writing, Self

  "The New New Girl: Mindy Kaling Promotes Herself Out of The Office and Into The Mindy Project". Interview with Jada Yuan, www.vulture.com. September 9, 2012.

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• All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Laughter, Humor

  Fred Allen (2009). “Treadmill to Oblivion”, p.240, Wildside Press LLC

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• The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .

  W. C. Fields

  Laughter, Laughing, Doe

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• Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.

  Yakov Smirnoff

  Funny, Humorous, Russia

  Yakov Smirnoff (1987). “America on six rubles a day”, Vintage

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