Craig Ferguson Quotes - Page 9

Quotes about:

• There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking...And that's just the part where he fixes his hair.

  Craig Ferguson

  Sex, Hair, People

  4 Copy quote

• Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn't use tracking numbers and doesn't use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag.

  Craig Ferguson

  Christmas, Blow, Numbers

  6 Copy quote

• I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.

  Craig Ferguson

  Night, Psych, Yelling

  52 Copy quote

• Halloween's eve is also known as mischief night. Kids are supposed go around playing pranks tonight. That's great, just what teenagers need -- another excuse to be jerks.

  Craig Ferguson

  Halloween, Teenager, Kids

  7 Copy quote

• Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself, only hope questions itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often. Like when a bumblebee flies or an ancient regime is toppled.

  Craig Ferguson

  Men, Law, Evil

  Craig Ferguson (2007). “Between the Bridge and the River”, p.208, Chronicle Books

  4 Copy quote

• I wanted to be a rock star.

  Craig Ferguson

  Stars, Rocks, Rock Star

  4 Copy quote

• I try and live my life in bite-size chunks.

  Craig Ferguson

  Trying, Size, Living My Life

  4 Copy quote

• The Danes are causing a bit of trouble. The kingdom of Denmark claimed the North Pole as their own. Hey, you can't just reach out and take something if you want it, Denmark. That's Russia's job.

  Craig Ferguson

  Jobs, Russia, Hey

  4 Copy quote

• Jeb Bush announced today on the Internet that he may run for president. The next presidential election could be Bush vs. Clinton. It will be like 1992 all over again except I won't be in rehab.

  Craig Ferguson

  Running, Presidential, May

  4 Copy quote

• Things were very different back in 1992. There was unrest in the Middle East, we had a gridlocked Congress, and everybody was talking about Bill Cosby.

  Craig Ferguson

  Talking, Middle East, Different

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• The 'Star Wars' movie is coming out. Disney has kept the details of the movie under wraps because they're not Sony.

  Craig Ferguson

  Stars, War, Details

  4 Copy quote

• I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

  Craig Ferguson

  Vision, Drinkers

  4 Copy quote

• Harry Potter, he sends a message on Owl Mail while us poor old muggles have to make do with instantaneous emails and texting. Oh, if only we could be like you Harry Potter, with your four day owl delivery!

  Craig Ferguson

  Owl, Email, Muggles

  8 Copy quote

• I dont know how to add things to my own wikipedia page.

  Craig Ferguson

  Wikipedia, Add, Pages

  "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson", 2005-2014.

  4 Copy quote

• Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office... You mean the one on the sofa?

  Craig Ferguson

  Mean, Office, President

  4 Copy quote

• It's a book. It's mine. And it's done.

  Craig Ferguson

  Book, Done, Mines

  4 Copy quote

• Congratulations to the NBA champion Boston Celtics - they beat the Los Angeles Lakers by 39 points. Or as Hillary Clinton would say, "Too close to call.

  Craig Ferguson

  Congratulations, Boston, Nba

  5 Copy quote

• I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?

  Craig Ferguson

  Writing, Thinking, Trying

  4 Copy quote

• Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.

  Craig Ferguson

  Games, Pages, Memoir

  4 Copy quote

• Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, 'memoir' is just a fancy word for 'a bunch of stuff that happened to me.

  Craig Ferguson

  President, Fancy, Stuff

  4 Copy quote

• Dell Computers announced they're releasing a competitor for the iPad. Now it is, in fact, a great alternative for people who already have an iPad, but are fed up with it working all the time.

  Craig Ferguson

  Ipads, People, Facts

  4 Copy quote

• Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. 'Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.' With Larry I think it goes, 'Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable.

  Craig Ferguson

  Kings, Thinking, Track

  4 Copy quote

• A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was strudel.

  Craig Ferguson

  Baby, Germany, Firsts

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• Betty White met with President Obama at the White House. President Obama invited Betty personally because she's great with animals. And the president's still having a tough time house-training Joe Biden.

  Craig Ferguson

  Animal, White, House

  4 Copy quote

• Twas the night before Thanksgiving.

  Craig Ferguson

  Thanksgiving, Night

  4 Copy quote

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