Robert Orben Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

  Robert Orben

  Lying, Humorous, Wife

  5 Copy quote

• It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.

  Robert Orben

  Jobs, Important, Days Off

  7 Copy quote

• To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

  Robert Orben

  Work, Technology, Geek

  19 Copy quote

• Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician.

  Robert Orben

  Listening, Politics, Painting

  11 Copy quote

• I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

  Robert Orben

  Funny, Children, Home

  "Something Weird". Attributed in "St. Louis Post-Dispatch", (p. 1D), June 10, 1991.

  8 Copy quote

• Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.

  Robert Orben

  Funny, Fitness, Health

  "Tidbits". "Rocky Mountain News" Newspaper, June 21, 1991.

  11 Copy quote

• Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

  Robert Orben

  Funny, Birthday, Fitness

  38 Copy quote

• I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

  Robert Orben

  Valentines Day, Girl, Heart

  Robert Orben (1969). “The Ad-libber's Handbook: 2000 New Laughs for Speakers”

  11 Copy quote

• I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.

  Robert Orben

  New Year, Fighting, Years

  4 Copy quote

• Vacation: When you spend thousands of dollars to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world.

  Robert Orben

  Rain, Vacation, Different

  4 Copy quote

• These detective series on TV always end at precisely the right moment-after the criminal is arrested and before the court turns him loose.

  Robert Orben

  Punishment, Tvs, Criminals

  5 Copy quote

• Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

  Robert Orben

  Wisdom, Feet, Mouths

  Robert Orben (2011). “2100 Laughs for All Occasions: Short, Sharp, Topical, and Funny--Arranged in Categories for Reading, Telling, Laughing”, p.146, Main Street Books

  8 Copy quote

• Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

  Robert Orben

  Inspirational, Political, Feelings

  Robert Orben (2012). “Joke Tellers Handbook”, p.90, Doubleday

  15 Copy quote

• I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.

  Robert Orben

  Clothes, Use, Boxers

  9 Copy quote

• Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

  Robert Orben

  Girl, Funny Love, Confused

  Robert Orben (2012). “2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing”, p.113, Doubleday

  55 Copy quote

• I feel that if God had really wanted us to have enough oil, he would never have given us a Department of Energy.

  Robert Orben

  Government, Oil, Energy

  14 Copy quote

• Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave - but there's no need to be in the passing lane.

  Robert Orben

  Needs, Too Much, Drink

  5 Copy quote

• New Yorkers are so impersonal, if it wasn't for muggings there wouldn't be any contact at all!

  Robert Orben

  Cities, Contact, New Yorkers

  6 Copy quote

• I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.

  Robert Orben

  Morning, Years, Twenties

  11 Copy quote

• I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.

  Robert Orben

  Mom, Baby, Food

  9 Copy quote

• Anybody with a good sense of humor is one-up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make us laugh. It's a bonding influence.

  Robert Orben

  Laughing, Competition, Sense Of Humor

  "A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The White House - The one-laugh-one-vote theory has candidates cracking wise". Kevin Merida, The Dallas Morning News, February 15, 1988.

  14 Copy quote

• Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.

  Robert Orben

  Successful, Fortune Cookie, Common

  Robert Orben (1979). “2500 jokes to start 'em laughing”, Doubleday Books

  11 Copy quote

• Here's to all volunteers, those dedicated people who believe in all work and no pay.

  Robert Orben

  Believe, People, Volunteer

  13 Copy quote

• Did you ever get to wondering if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?

  Robert Orben

  Taxation Without Representation, Might, Wonder

  4 Copy quote

• Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

  Robert Orben

  Family, Fathers Day, Mother

  Robert Orben (2012). “2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing”, p.108, Doubleday

  9 Copy quote

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