Robert Orben Quotes - Page 3

Quotes about:

• I love to watch those old movies on late-night television, particularly when a couple get up from a champagne dinner in a posh restaurant and the hero hands the waiter $3. But the best part is when he says, "Keep the change."

  Robert Orben

  Couple, Hero, Night

  5 Copy quote

• More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

  Robert Orben

  Funny, Money, Suffering

  "Consumer's Edge". San Antonio Express-News, September 14, 2007.

  17 Copy quote

• Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

  Robert Orben

  Funny, Witty, Children

  9 Copy quote

• Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

  Robert Orben

  Government, Way, Politician

  9 Copy quote

• Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'

  Robert Orben

  Spring, Way, More Time

  Robert Orben (2011). “2100 Laughs for All Occasions: Short, Sharp, Topical, and Funny--Arranged in Categories for Reading, Telling, Laughing”, p.153, Main Street Books

  8 Copy quote

• Very few people ever meet celebrities. All we really know is what we read about them and the most memorable lines are jokes. That's how we tend to define what we think of a public figure.

  Robert Orben

  Memorable, Thinking, People

  "The Joke's On George, Mike, Dan and Lloyd" by Janet Cawley, Chicago Tribune, p. 23, September 22, 1988.

  9 Copy quote

• Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

  Robert Orben

  Saving, Investment, Inflation

  11 Copy quote

• I don't want to say anything about my kids...but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!

  Robert Orben

  Family, Kids, Names

  7 Copy quote

• They're combining that new fertility drug with a birth control pill for people who don't want triplets.

  Robert Orben

  People, Drug, Pills

  Robert Orben (1978). “2000 new laughs for speakers: the ad-libber's handbook”, Random House Value Pub

  4 Copy quote

• Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth.

  Robert Orben

  Pain, Medicine, Disease

  5 Copy quote

• Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.

  Robert Orben

  Valentine, Divorce, Cards

  5 Copy quote

• Wall Street is where prophets tell us what will happen and profits tell us what did happen.

  Robert Orben

  Wall, Prophet, Profit

  Robert Orben (2012). “2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing”, p.381, Doubleday

  4 Copy quote

• I don't see why religion and science can't cooperate. What's wrong with using a computer to count our blessings?

  Robert Orben

  Blessing, Computer, Science And Religion

  4 Copy quote

• Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings. The expectations are always
  high, and the results usually disappointing.

  Robert Orben

  Expectations, Pandas, Disappointing

  13 Copy quote

• To reduce stress, avoid excitement. Spend more time with your spouse.

  Robert Orben

  Work, Stress, Excitement

  5 Copy quote

• I value people with a conscience. It's like a beeper from God.

  Robert Orben

  People, Conscience, Values

  4 Copy quote

• Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.

  Robert Orben

  Funny Life, People, Used

  91 Copy quote

• They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.

  Robert Orben

  Kids, Dollars, Modern Life

  5 Copy quote

• When we laugh we temporarily give ourselves over to the person who makes us laugh.

  Robert Orben

  Giving, Laughing, Persons

  Robert Orben (2012). “2400 Jokes to Brighten Your Speeches”, p.24, Doubleday

  5 Copy quote

• Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.

  Robert Orben

  Years, Eight, Trying

  5 Copy quote

• Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!

  Robert Orben

  Book, School, Modern Life

  6 Copy quote

• Individuality' is the key to success.

  Robert Orben

  Keys, Individuality, Key To Success

  Robert Orben (2012). “2400 Jokes to Brighten Your Speeches”, p.206, Doubleday

  10 Copy quote

• Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.

  Robert Orben

  Desks, Bigs

  Robert Orben (2012). “2400 Jokes to Brighten Your Speeches”, p.293, Doubleday

  5 Copy quote

• The Playboy Calendar this year has some tiptop models. Any more top and they'd tip.

  Robert Orben

  Years, Calendars, Playboy

  Robert Orben (2012). “2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing”, p.252, Doubleday

  7 Copy quote

• The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.

  Robert Orben

  Birthday, Funny Birthday, Funny Happy Birthday

  19 Copy quote

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