Girlfriend Quotes - Page 35

• A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

  Billy Connolly

  Funny, Brother, Humor

  32 Copy quote

• I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.

  Bo Burnham

  Funny, Uncles, Humor

  Song: Ironic, Album: Words Words Words, 2010

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• All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.

  David Cross

  Funny, Humor, Kids

  "It's Not Funny". Stand-up comedy album by David Cross, November 14, 2004.

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• There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  15 Copy quote

• I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Humor, Swim

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• Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Sex, Humor

  31 Copy quote

• I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Next

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• I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

  Frankie Boyle

  Funny, Humor, Storm

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• I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia.

  Frankie Boyle

  Funny, Valentine, Humor

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• And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Humor, Time Zones

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• My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Couple, Party

  14 Copy quote

• I love my girlfriend, don't get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It's a gift.

  Adam Ferrara

  Funny, Sex, Humor

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• My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Funny, Humor, Pieces

  Twitter post from Nov 14, 2009

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• She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Funny, Mom, Mother

  34 Copy quote

• A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Funny, Couple, Humor

  46 Copy quote

• Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

  Kristen Schaal

  Funny, Eye, Humor

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• I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well, I guess I, uh... I guess I said something, and, uh... and then she got her feelings hurt." That's a weird way to phrase it: "She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then she..." Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? "She got her feelings hurt." It's like saying, "Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don't know what happened. He leaned into it."

  Louis C. K.

  Funny, Hurt, Responsibility

  5 Copy quote

• I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Names, Wife

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• Music is my girlfriend, pretty much. It's makes it a little difficult, but I'm always looking, looking for the right girl.

  Shwayze

  Girl, Littles, Difficult

  Source: www.behindthehype.com

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• Some people who see cooking as a job. They got into cooking at some stage and they're sort of ticking along trying to get the money together to buy the car to impress the girlfriend and you know they're doing their job, but some of these people one day, all of a sudden it becomes wonderfully exciting to them. They find this love of what they're doing and they're away.

  Paul Rankin

  Jobs, People, Car

  Source: www.bbc.co.uk

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• In 1940 I was just turning 5 years old and being taken to the movies. For those of us who were not old enough to understand the horror of war it was a very romantic era because these guys were kissing their wives and girlfriends goodbye and going off to fight and become heroes.

  Woody Allen

  Goodbye, War, Taken

  CrankyCritic Interview, www.woodyallen.art.pl.

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• The average person is either a weakling, or just a happy person who wants to get along, or thinks being tough is having big muscles and strutting around town and having a good-looking girlfriend.

  Alex Jones

  Thinking, Average, Want

  Source: www.dailykos.com

  180 Copy quote

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• Very sorry to disappoint you, guys. It was not for my girlfriend but for Sachin Tendulkar.

  Yuvraj Singh

  Sorry, Guy, Cricket

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• I've really actually grown with my girlfriends and the people that they've introduced me to and the way that I've been welcomed in by their families. I'm a very, very lucky man.

  Alex Pettyfer

  Men, People, Lucky

  Source: www.moviesonline.ca

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• I have never been in a situation thankfully where I haven't gotten along with my girlfriend's parents. I've been very lucky to have girlfriends that have had such amazing families that have brought me in.

  Alex Pettyfer

  Parent, Lucky, Situation

  Source: www.moviesonline.ca

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