Girlfriend Quotes - Page 18

• You might be a redneck if somebody hollers ho-down and your girlfriend hits the floor.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Redneck, Down And, Might

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• If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Redneck, Names, Might

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• I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!

  Dave Attell

  Sometimes, Said, Apartment

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• I'm not the greatest husband - I've got a girlfriend. It doesn't really please my wife, but then if I was looking to please her I wouldn't have a girlfriend. I mean she knows about it, and I guess she's okay with it. Plus my kids like both of them.

  Andrew Dice Clay

  Husband, Mean, Kids

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• I'm not not looking for a girlfriend - but I'm not particularly looking for a girlfriend, either. I'm not knocking having a relationship; at the end of the day, you want to share with someone. But I just look at it as, I have the rest of my life to do that. I'm not in any rush.

  Chace Crawford

  The End Of The Day, Looks, Want

  "Chace Crawford Leads People's Hottest Bachelor List" by Jocelyn Vena, www.mtv.com. June 17, 2009.

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• Guinevere is just head over heels and doesn't know how to handle these new emotions that she's feeling, as a young woman. Unfortunately, she can't reign it all in, all the time. And, even though she tries to do the right thing and be the good girlfriend and have her morals, she slips up a little bit.

  Tamsin Egerton

  Feelings, Good Girl, Trying

  Source: collider.com

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• When I'm unhappy with something, people know, because I don't want to hold on to it. I'd rather deal immediately with the stuff that bothers me, so using my network - my girlfriends, my husband, my mom - I talk a lot, I vent.

  Michelle Obama

  Mom, Husband, People

  "Michelle Obama's Rules for Staying Healthy and Happy". Interview with Liz Vaccariello, www.prevention.com. November 3, 2011.

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• My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, You need to meet other people.

  Bob Saget

  People, Needs, Knows

  Twitter post from Oct 20, 2011

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• What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

  Bob Saget

  Car, Kitchen, Scissors

  Twitter post from Aug 27, 2011

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• Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after that, everybody. Every woman in here got intimidated by a guy, pushed around too much, now you're new boyfriend tickles you a little too hard, boom restraining order. Every guy here had a woman sleep with his best friend, now your new girlfriend hugs your cousin a little long, boom car bomb.

  Christopher Titus

  Cousin, Sex, Sleep

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Fathers and sons are natural enemies. Look at any species. Shark, sees his father in the water, he's not thinking, Hey dad, wassup ? He's thinking, Back off, old man, this surfer carcass is mine. Of course, when his girlfriend swims up and she's like, Way, you know, there's enough surfer for everybody. You and your dad need to frenzy together more. Leave you father a thigh.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Father, Son

  "Titus / NASCAR". www.imdb.com. 2001.

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• If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend!

  Christopher Titus

  Want, Danger, Ifs

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

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• I like girls, but I prefer having a girlfriend. I like having someone I can spoil.

  Harry Styles

  Girl, Spoil, I Can

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• I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  My Girlfriend, Worried, Periods

  Twitter post from Mar 14, 2010

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• My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Sex, Complaining, Neighbor

  Twitter post from Aug 20, 2010

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• My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know, she'd be like keep me away from those chocolate bars, I'm addicted to them. And it's really annoying. So one day I put her in the car and I drove her downtown and I pointed out a crack addict. And I said you see that honey? Why can't you be that skinny?

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Addiction, Car, Chocolate

  "Anthony Jeselnik: The Dark Prince Of Comedy". "Ask Me Another" with Ophira Eisenberg, www.npr.org. August 14, 2014.

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• When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Dinner, Restaurants, Dishes

  Twitter post from Jan 19, 2011

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• My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Religious, Wall, Dad

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• My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Mom, Brother, Funeral

  Twitter post from Sep 25, 2010

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• My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Sex, Believe, Car

  Twitter post from Sep 27, 2010

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• Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Baby, Home, Night

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• I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Hate, Night, Play

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• My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Men, Want, Way

  Twitter post from Sep 30, 2010

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• I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Yelling, Trying, Surf

  Twitter post from Mar 06, 2010

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• I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Yesterday, Subway, Enjoy

  Twitter post from Dec 22, 2009

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