Christopher Titus Quotes

Quotes about:

• I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

  Christopher Titus

  Succeed, Failing, Findings

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  51 Copy quote

• Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

  Christopher Titus

  Leader, Crowds, Causes

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  64 Copy quote

• Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

  Christopher Titus

  Baseball, Philosophy, Philosophical

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  60 Copy quote

• Normal people terrify me, because they haven't had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come up. Something little happens and they snap. But being from a dysfunctional family means nothing rattles me. Hey once you've driven a drunken father to moms' parole hearing, what else is there?

  Christopher Titus

  Mom, Father, Mean

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  53 Copy quote

• Here's the thing: If you're so far left you actually believe that somebody owes you a job, citizenship and a heart transplant, you're mentally ill. If you're so far right that you actually believe that somebody who doesn't have a job and is not a citizen deserves to have their heart cut out and sold on eBay, and you get to keep 80 percent of the profit - you're mentally ill.

  Christopher Titus

  Jobs, Believe, Heart

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  58 Copy quote

• The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

  Christopher Titus

  Normal, Deranged

  "Titus". www.imdb.com. 2000.

  47 Copy quote

• And one more thing I want to be clear about - I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.

  Christopher Titus

  Who I Am, Arrogant, Sprinkles

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  54 Copy quote

• This country you're sitting in right now was not built on love, hugs, time-outs and trophies you didn't earn. This country was built on shame, humiliation and striving to be better. By the way, if you're in this room right now and you're successful... you didn't get there because someone loved you too much or gave you too many hugs or you got a trophy when you lost. You did it because at one point in your life, somebody turned to you and said you're a loser, and in that second, you decided to bust your ass to make them choke on that sentence... Or, your parents gave you the money.

  Christopher Titus

  Country, Successful, Parent

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  49 Copy quote

• My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an amazing poet, who was raised by this woman, and was dating a guy who broke up with her for the fourth time in three weeks. And one day, she came to his house, got a gun, and blew her brains out all over his headboard. I just went through a divorce, five years in court and cost me $2 million dollars. If anyone, by law, should be forced to take antidepressants it's me... But instead, I choose to be an antidepressant. And you can take me with alcohol.

  Christopher Titus

  Mom, Home, Divorce

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  40 Copy quote

• Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

  Christopher Titus

  Philosophy, Philosophical, Smell

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  49 Copy quote

• Being a parent is a life sentence. You see, that's why normal people should not have children because if you raise a kid with only love and support, I guarantee that kid will be in rehab by the time he is 16. Why? Because you never introduced him to Mr. Back-of-Your-Hand. You know why I only broke into a liquor store once? 'Cause my father introduced me to Mr. Back-of-His-Hand and its wiley sidekick, Mr. Foot-in-My-Ass.

  Christopher Titus

  Children, Father, Kids

  "Titus / The Visit". www.imdb.com. 2002.

  39 Copy quote

• I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

  Christopher Titus

  Believe, Alcohol, Oreos

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  25 Copy quote

• I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

  Christopher Titus

  Thinking, Brain, Rebel

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  37 Copy quote

• Oh yeah, I'm mentally screwed up for life. But I look good.

  Christopher Titus

  Looks, Yeah, Screwed Up

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  18 Copy quote

• Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

  Christopher Titus

  Crazy, Night, Dating

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  22 Copy quote

• I believe life is about balance. My mom was brilliant, yet manipulative. Beautiful, but had more voices in her head than the Wu-Tang Clan. Loves her kids, killed her last husband. I say last husband because you don't get another one after that.

  Christopher Titus

  Beautiful, Mom, Husband

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  19 Copy quote

• Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.

  Christopher Titus

  Philosophy, Philosophical, Pissed Off

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  22 Copy quote

• You don't get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.

  Christopher Titus

  Idiot, Ends

  "Christopher Titus: Love Is Evol". Comedy, www.imdb.com. 2009.

  14 Copy quote

• A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief."

  Christopher Titus

  Family, Lying, Family And Friends

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

  10 Copy quote

• My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer. Weddings, Funerals, Water Skiing, Parent-Teacher Conference. When I got sick around him as a kid growing up, he'd always warm me up a shot of 100 proof whiskey. Never got sick... that I can remember.

  Christopher Titus

  Teacher, Growing Up, Dad

  "Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding". Comedy, One-man Show, www.imdb.com. June 06, 2004.

  17 Copy quote

• Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. Screwed-up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat.

  Christopher Titus

  Philosophy, War, Philosophical

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  17 Copy quote

• I say we spend some money, clean up some junkies and make them all go work for the Red Cross. You ever give blood to the Red Cross? Little paper hatted trainee kid, just sticking you full of holes. Golly, jeez, this is way harder than the deep fryer, how does this work? You get an ex-junkie in there, bap-bap, he's gonna find a vein. You're in, you're out, you got sugar cookie and you're happy!

  Christopher Titus

  Kids, Blood, Giving

  "Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding". Comedy, One-man Show, www.imdb.com. June 06, 2004.

  20 Copy quote

• My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't.

  Christopher Titus

  Couple, Father, Party

  "Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding". www.imdb.com. 2004.

  19 Copy quote

• Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after that, everybody. Every woman in here got intimidated by a guy, pushed around too much, now you're new boyfriend tickles you a little too hard, boom restraining order. Every guy here had a woman sleep with his best friend, now your new girlfriend hugs your cousin a little long, boom car bomb.

  Christopher Titus

  Girlfriend, Cousin, Sex

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  20 Copy quote

• Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, "You gotta nail her"!

  Christopher Titus

  Soulmate, Dad, Believe

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

  26 Copy quote

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