Christopher Titus Quotes - Page 6

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My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is a hunk of meat to block buck shot. Told you dad needed me. Who's the best man now?

Christopher Titus

Dad, Father, Block

"Titus / Episode 27". www.imdb.com. 2001.

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Divorce is just about change, you know. It's God saying, You need a change. And I'm going to make it so your bank account only has change.

Christopher Titus

Change, Divorce, Needs

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Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ? If that doesn't scare you, you're not human.

Christopher Titus

Night, Boys, Years

"Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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Life, is easy. And if yours isn't, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you're just a head amd then, you do have it pretty rough. I don't know how you roll out of bed every morning.

Christopher Titus

Morning, Waiting, Bed

"Titus / Too Damn Good". www.imdb.com. 2002.

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I swore I would never get involved in my dad's life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get involved, you know, but he's my dad, I can't send him to his room or ground him or go to his first grade play and scream, "Look at the fairy!" I was a wood nymph.

Christopher Titus

Dad, Play, Nymphs

"Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

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My parents' divorce settlement involved a bar tab.

Christopher Titus

Divorce, Parent, Bars

"Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding". Comedy, One-man Show, www.imdb.com. June 06, 2004.

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Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind.

Christopher Titus

Hurt, Powerful, Dad

"Titus / The Test (". www.imdb.com. 2000.

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Of course, here's the weird part. After I fought my dad, all of a sudden we're buddies now. Like he's my friend now, we start hanging out. But we're still the same people. So we'd go out on Sunday, you know, and just be hanging out, then he'd, like, pick a guy, and we'd just go beat the crap out of that guy as a team. Memories, huh?

Christopher Titus

Memories, Dad, Team

"Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding". www.imdb.com. 2004.

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Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can't keep having them!

Christopher Titus

Revenge, Dad, Heart

"Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

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Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family.

Christopher Titus

Men, Texas, Cactus

"5th Annual End of the World Tour". www.imdb.com. 2007.

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They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.

Christopher Titus

Mom, Dad, Battle

"Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding". Comedy, One-man Show, www.imdb.com. June 06, 2004.

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Valentines Day is a day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. Yeah, when you're happy, she's happy. And when you're angry, she's angry. And when you start wallowing in self-pity because your hotrod shop tanks and everybody's against you so you start drinking. And then she moves out and goes and lives with her parents, pfft. Or was that the day after Valentines Day? Doesn't matter. I'll go get another one just like her.

Christopher Titus

Valentines Day, Strong, Real

"Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time.

Christopher Titus

Running, Dad, Texas

"Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

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I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake he's got to clean it off. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guy's in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week... it's funny... you're not supposed to have a heart attack, it kills the joke.

Christopher Titus

Father, Heart, Cake

"Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

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Being a parent is a life sentence. From the day that kid is born until the day you die and then some. Mom, there is nothing to forgive. You gave me life. And, hey, you're not crazy anymore. Everybody thinks I am. Real funny, mom.

Christopher Titus

Crazy, Real, Kids

"Titus / The Visit". www.imdb.com. 2002.

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The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick.

Christopher Titus

Dad, Writing, Ties

"Titus" (TV Series), www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

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My dad also survived five divorces, and the women he married cleaned his ass out every time. I used to think my dad got divorced because he wanted new furniture. At one point in my life, all we had left was a wooden box, a 12 black-and-white TV, and a four-man rubber raft for a couch. And yet, I was the coolest kid in third grade. Mom, can we have a sleepover in Christopher Titus' house? They have a raft in the living room! We can row to breakfast in the morning. I can actually be Captain Crunch!

Christopher Titus

Mom, Morning, Dad

"Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. Peer pressure, acne, final exams, seven little tiny hairs on your upper lip. Luckily, the girls never noticed your infantile moustache, 'cos they were hyptonised by the fire engine sized zit on your forehead.

Christopher Titus

Girl, Teenager, Years

"Titus / Errrr". www.imdb.com. 2002.

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It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove my point.

Christopher Titus

Gun, Law, House

"Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

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Consider Palin for President? The most powerful job on earth? You don't give the dumb cheerleader the Uzi. That's in the Bible.

Christopher Titus

Jobs, Powerful, Giving

"Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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My mum is in a mental hospital. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. Winston Churchill, Mozart, John Lennon. These people all had a touch of crazy that fuelled their brilliance. They were not locked up for it like my mum. Pft. Then again, Winston Churchill never tried to kill my dad.

Christopher Titus

Dad, Crazy, People

"Titus / Locking Up Mom". www.imdb.com. 2000.

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When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could you screw that up ? And don't say, Well, you could cause someone six months of physical therapy. 'Cos, hey, lots of times, those exercise take places in pools and nylon tents with little plastic balls. Fun places like that. And, she gets to park up really close for a while. Ha ha, oh, I'm the bad guy.

Christopher Titus

Fun, Responsibility, Exercise

"Titus / Tommy's Girlfriend II". www.imdb.com. 2001.

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When I was seven, I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with my mom. When Jack Nicholson was strapped to the table getting electroshock treatment, my mom burst into tears. She said it reminded her of her life, and I was stunned, because I didn't know my mom had been nominated for an Oscar.

Christopher Titus

Mom, Tears, Cuckoos

"Titus / Locking Up Mom". www.imdb.com. 2000.

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Satan called - he's changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows and laid out the complimentary chocolate. Hell is ready for John Edwards.

Christopher Titus

Chocolate, Satan, Hell

"Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.

Christopher Titus

Dad, Weekend, Drunk

"Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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Born: October 1, 1964
Occupation: Comedian
Cite this Page: Citation

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