Ass Quotes - Page 36

• For sure, they don't teach you this in history class, but in colonial times, the person who got left in the stocks overnight was nothing less than fair game for everybody to nail. Men or women, anybody bent over had no way of knowing who was doing the ram job, and this was the real reason you never wanted to end up here unless you had a family member or a friend who'd stand with you the whole time. To protect you. To watch your ass, for real.

  Chuck Palahniuk

  Jobs, Real, Men

  Chuck Palahniuk (2001). “Choke: A Novel”, Anchor Books

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• Honey, Kate is not going to die sooner because you have one more glass of mine, or because you stay overnight in a hotel, or because you let yourself crack up at a bad joke. So sit your ass back down and turn up the volume and act like you're a normal person.

  Jodi Picoult

  Glasses, Normal, Cracks

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• I guarantee, that if I am elected, I will take over the White House, hang out, shoot pool, scratch my ass, and not do a damn thing . . . Which is to say, if you want something done, don't come to me to do it for you; you got to get together and figure out how to do it yourselves. Is that a deal?

  Utah Phillips

  Guarantees That, Want Something, White

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• Never ASSUME, because when you ASSUME, you make an ASS of U and ME.

  Felix Unger

  Assuming, Never Assume

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• I call my dad 'Admiral Ass Hat,' he doesn't really think it's funny.

  Jay Crownover

  Dad, Thinking, Hats

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• The wedding vows are a license to be a complete jerk, with full knowledge that the person you married has agreed, no matter how large a horse's ass you are, to stay by your side until death. A fool could tell you this is a bad deal.

  Adriana Trigiani

  Horse, Your Side, Matter

  Adriana Trigiani (2003). “Lucia, Lucia: A Novel”, p.98, Random House

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• The ass will carry his load, but not a double load; ride not a free horse to death.

  Miguel de Cervantes

  Horse, Horse Riding, Load

  Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, Quixote de la Mancha (don, fict.name.) (1847). “The history of don Quixote de la Mancha. From the Span. To which is prefixed a sketch of the life and writings of the author. Select libr. ed”, p.415

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• Sex is something I really don't understand too hot. You never know where the hell you are. I keep making up these sex rules for myself, and then I break them right away. Last year I made a rule that I was going to quit horsing around with girls that, deep down, gave me a pain in the ass. I broke it, though, the same week I made it - the same night, as a matter of fact.

  J. D. Salinger

  Girl, Sex, Pain

  'The Catcher in the Rye' (1951) ch. 9

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• The real story of our times is seldom told in the horse-puckey-filled memoirs of dopey, self-serving presidents or generals, but in the outrageous, demented lives of guys like Lenny Bruce, Giordano Bruno, Scott Fitzgerald - and Paul Krassner. The burrs under society's saddle. The pains in the ass.

  Harlan Ellison

  Horse, Pain, Real

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• You punch like you take it up the ass.

  Jake LaMotta

  Raging Bull, Like You

  "Raging Bull". www.imdb.com. 1980.

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• As a theatrical troupe, the Muppets haven't exactly been AWOL these past dozen years; the gang rocked YouTube in 2009 with their kick-ass rendition of Queen's 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' But they've certainly been lying low while our twitchy, tweet-y times have favored snarkier, more air-quote-driven entertainment, even from puppets. And in a way, that showbiz hiatus has worked in favor of The Muppets. For adults, the movie's gentle, clever, unironic humor feels freshly, trendily retro now, enhanced by laughs provided in cameos from a very up-to-date roster of stars.

  Lisa Schwarzbaum

  Stars, Queens, Clever

  "The Muppets" by Lisa Schwarzbaum, ew.com. November 30, 2011.

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• Let The Rock understand this, he beats your ass in cage match last week and now your the number 1 contender? Well The Rock knows exactly why that is; you've got a three foot nose you turn it sideways and stick it straight up Vince's ass!

  Dwayne Johnson

  Funny, Rocks, Wwe

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• What color is the sky in your world Cena. You're talking what Wrestlmania needs to be, but allow me to demenstrate what's going to happen. The Rock laying boots to asses, from the rooder to the pooder. Cenation is going to be Cyalaternation!

  Ron Killings

  Funny, Rocks, Color

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• What's twelve inches long and hangs in front on ass, Mankind's tie.

  Jerry Lawler

  Funny, Wwe, Ties

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• Yes I have a belt. I wear big pants because my ass is huge. So I can't go to a store by off the rack a size that is appropriate for my waist because they don't fit my ass!

  John Cena

  Wwe, Pants, Size

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• There is about to be a big cowboy boot in your ass if you dont shut up.

  Jim Ross

  Cowboy, Wwe, Boots

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• I came, I saw, and I KICKED Stone Cold's ASS!

  Vince McMahon

  Wwe, Stones, Saws

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• I don't want to be grotesque, but when you're 330 pounds, it's hard to wipe your a-. You know?

  Mike Tyson

  Boxing, Wipe, Want

  "Tyson reflects on sex, drugs, spirituality". Sports Illustrated Interview, www.si.com. July 28, 2010.

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• If I were 50 years younger, I would kick your ass

  Larry Merchant

  Years, Boxing, Kicks

  "Analyst Larry Merchant to End Run With HBO Boxing After 35 Years" by Jose Martinez, www.complex.com. December 14, 2012.

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• The Nazi signs have got to stop. If you're in a peace march and the guy next to you has a sign saying that 'Bush is Hitler,' forget the peace thing for a second and beat his ass, because he is not Hitler.

  Dennis Miller

  Guy, Politics, Next

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• But this is the kind of ass-clownery that stems from the fact that all philosophy looks weird when you don't have one.

  Jonah Goldberg

  Philosophy, Looks, Politics

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• As to the human race. There are many pretty and winning things about the human race. It is perhaps the poorest of all the inventions of all the gods but it has never suspected it once. There is nothing prettier than its naive and complacent appreciation of itself. It comes out frankly and proclaims without bashfulness or any sign of a blush that it is the noblest work of God. It has had a billion opportunities to know better, but all signs fail with this ass. I could say harsh things about it but I cannot bring myself to do it-it is like hitting a child.

  Mark Twain

  Appreciation, Children, Winning

  Mark Twain, Charles Neider (1987). “The outrageous Mark Twain: some lesser-known but extraordinary works : with "Reflections on religion" now in book form for the first time”, Doubleday Books

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• I may play the fool at times, but I'm more than just a pretty blond boy with an ass that won't quit.

  Charles Macaulay

  Boys, Play, May

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• I'm a woman in a man's job and I don't have the luxury of being an ass.

  Joan Clarke

  Jobs, Men, Luxury

  "Fictional character: Joan Clarke". "The Imitation Game", www.imdb.com. 2014.

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• Talk to them about things they don't know. Try to give them an inferiority complex. If the actress is beautiful, screw her. If she isn't, present her with a valuable painting she will not understand. If they insist on being boring, kick their asses or twist their noses. And that's about all there is to it.

  John Huston

  Beautiful, Giving, Trying

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