Jokes Quotes - Page 2

• I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  In Saturday Review 25 Aug. 1962

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• At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  "Zach Galifianakis Live at the Purple Onion". Documentary, Comedy, 2006.

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• One of my biggest problems with comedy was that I did not understand some of the jokes.

  Desi Arnaz

  Comedy, Problem

  Desi Arnaz (1994). “A Book”

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• The shortest distance between two jokes makes a perfect speech.

  Orlando Aloysius Battista

  Distance, Two, Perfect

  Orlando Aloysius Battista (1981). “Quotoons: a speaker's dictionary”, Perigee

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• If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

  Ron White

  Funny, Giving, I Believe

  "Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again". Comedy, Documentary, www.imdb.com. 2004.

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• 

  A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

  Steve Martin

  Funny, Witty, Laughter

  FaceBook post by Steve Martin from Jun 14, 2011

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• If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

  Mel Brooks

  Funny, Religion, Politics

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• The second mouse gets the cheese!

  Terry Pratchett

  Funny, Witty, Iron

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• A joke's a very serious thing.

  Charles Churchill

  Humor, Serious Things, Serious

  'The Ghost' (1763) bk. 4, l. 1386

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• I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - T-SHIRT

  Darynda Jones

  Funny, Birthday, Humorous

  Darynda Jones (2013). “Fifth Grave Past the Light”, p.21, St. Martin's Press

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• If I hadn't been told I was garbage, I wouldn't have learned how to show people I'm talented. And if everyone had always laughed at my jokes, I wouldn't have figured out how to be so funny. If they hadn't told me I was ugly, I never would have searched for my beauty. And if they hadn't tried to break me down, I wouldn't know that I'm unbreakable.

  Gabourey Sidibe

  Funny, Motivational, Beauty

  "Gabourey Sidibe makes inspirational speech at Ms. Foundation gala" by Alison Rowley, www.digitalspy.com. May 2, 2014.

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• A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

  George Eliot

  Funny, Women, Humor

  Daniel Deronda bk. 2, ch. 15 (1876)

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• A humorist tells himself every morning, "I hope it's going to be a rough day." When things are going well, it's much harder to make the right jokes.

  Alan Coren

  Morning, Rough Day, Harder

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• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Birthday

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• Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives.

  Robert Collier

  Life, Motivational, Wise

  "Ride the Waves: How to Take Control of Your Life One Emotion at a Time". Book by Tracy Friesen, p. 386, April, 2013.

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• As far as outlining is concerned, I don't outline humor. I might right down a word or two to remind myself of a punch line I thought of, but the actual structure of a piece I really don't. I don't think it would really help me because for me the process is joke, joke, joke, joke.

  Dave Barry

  Thinking, Two, Pieces

  Source: www.writersdigest.com

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• ORTHODOX, n. An ox wearing the popular religious joke.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Religious, Religion, Orthodox

  Ambrose Bierce (2013). “Delphi Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Illustrated)”, p.2473, Delphi Classics

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• I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

  Joan Rivers

  Mean, Enjoy Life, Alive

  "Joan Rivers Hates You, Herself And Everyone Else". "Fresh Air" with Terry Gross, kuer.org. June 11, 2012.

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• Oh, something is there, waiting for me. Perhaps someday the revelation will burst in upon me and I will see the other side of this monumental grotesque joke. And then I'll laugh. And then I'll know what life is.

  Sylvia Plath

  Laughing, Waiting, Sides

  Sylvia Plath (2007). “The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath”, p.16, Anchor

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• Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

  Joan Rivers

  Parenting, Motherhood, Thank God

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• A dog doesn't care if you're rich or poor, big or small, young or old. He doesn't care if you're not smart, not popular, not a good joke-teller, not the best athlete, nor the best-looking person. To your dog, you are the greatest, the smartest, the nicest human being who was ever born. You are his friend and protector.

  Louis Sabin

  Friendship, Dog, Smart

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• A poem is a serious joke, a truth that has learned jujitsu.

  William Stafford

  Crafts, Serious

  William Stafford (1978). “Writing the Australian Crawl: Views on the Writer's Vocation”

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• So get up, get, get get down 911 is a joke in yo town

  Flavor Flav

  Hip Hop, Towns, Get Up

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• It's a great historical joke that when the Spanish met the Aztecs, it was a blind date made in serve-you-right heaven. At the time, they were the two most unpleasant cultures in the entire world, and richly deserved each other. Still, the story of how stout Cortes blustered, bullied and bludgeoned his way to collapsing an entire empire with a handful of contagious hoodlums is astonishing.

  A. A. Gill

  Two, History, Heaven

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• Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

  Robert Frost

  Life, Forgiveness, God

  In the Clearing (1962) "Cluster of Faith"

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