Idiot Quotes - Page 27

• The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

  Demetri Martin

  Distance, Two, Lines

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• My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Son, Golf, Ankles

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• My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Teacher, Son, Rivers

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• You run into a party and [a] woman comes up to you. She's the most beautiful creature you ever saw - Ava Gardner - and says, "I like you and why don't we get together?" What are you going to say, "No"? You'd have to be an idiot. She was an incredible creature.

  Artie Shaw

  Beautiful, Running, I Like You

  " Artie Shaw, the Reluctant 'King of Swing'", NPR, March 8, 2002.

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• You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

  Dane Cook

  People, Directors, Stories

  FaceBook post by Dane Cook from Sep 03, 2014

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• It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.

  Craig Ferguson

  People, World, May

  Craig Ferguson (2010). “Between the Bridge and the River: A Novel”, p.121, Chronicle Books

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• I played Winnie the Pooh in first grade. I was an early adopter of standing in front of people and looking like an idiot.

  Jon Hamm

  People, Firsts, Grades

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• The president is on national TV apologizing for getting oral sex. Why didn't he just stick with his lie? You got to stick with your lie. If you lie, you have to believe that lie whole-heartedly. It has to become the truth for you. But this man, the most powerful man in the world, is on national TV apologizing for receiving oral sex. He's an idiot. There are men sitting in here right now who would gladly accept oral sex on national TV.

  Wanda Sykes

  Sex, Powerful, Lying

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• Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.

  Doug Stanhope

  Military, College, People

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• A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y'all catch all them fish? Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign.

  Bill Engvall

  Giving Up, Couple, Fishing

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Mar 14, 2013

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• You don't get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.

  Christopher Titus

  Ends

  "Christopher Titus: Love Is Evol". Comedy, www.imdb.com. 2009.

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• I can't stop some idiot from crashing into a building or blowing up a bus, I can only be your dad and give you a few pure truths. Number one, duct tape will save your life. Number two, Tupac is alive, but I need you to keep that on the DL because of Suge. And number three, don't be afraid of anything - except the television news because they're lying to you every night.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Lying, Night

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?

  Amy Schumer

  Real, Party, School

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• You ever say a phrase you say all the time at the wrong time, feel like a complete idiot? Something like, 'You, too. You, too.' I was getting out of the cab at the airport, and the driver goes, 'Hey, have a nice flight.' 'You, too. You, too. You have a nice flight, too - in case you ever fly some day.

  Brian Regan

  Nice, Airports, Phrases

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• I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way.

  Louis C. K.

  Jobs, Way, Sticks

  Reddit AMA, www.reddit.com. May 14, 2012.

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• What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

  Dana Gould

  Fire, What If, Devil

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• We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line, let's make it fun for everybody.

  Alonzo Bodden

  Fun, Shoes, Waiting

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• They sold me a duvet cover, and I don't have a duvet, I don't think. Then, they started treating me like I'm the idiot. They're like, 'Do you have a comforter?' 'Yeah.' 'Well, you have to protect it!' I had no idea it was under attack.

  Alonzo Bodden

  Thinking, Ideas, Duvets

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• I'm going old school. Adult comedy but you can have your kids in the room. Kind of Andy Griffith meets Bill Cosby meets Bob Newhart. Also my character isn't an idiot as all the rest of the sitcoms recently have the dad character like Homer Simpson.

  Henry Cho

  Dad, School, Character

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• Fear has no brains; it is an idiot. The dismal witness that it bears and the cowardly counsel that it whispers are unrelated.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Brain, Bears, Witness

  Ambrose Bierce (1964). “Ghost and Horror Stories”, p.147, Courier Corporation

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• There is a technical term for someone who confuses the opinions of a character in a book with those of the author. That term is idiot.

  S.M. Stirling

  Book, Character, Opinion

  "Conquistador". Book by S.M. Stirling, 2003.

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• What are you doing?" "Looking for my fangs." "We don't grow fangs you idiot!

  Darren Shan

  Grows, Fangs

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• What about your freedom?" he whispered in her ear over a minute later, bracing his hands palms down on the wall beside her head. He made no move to stop her as she stroked and petted every inch of that sinfully gorgeous chest, all hard muscle and gleaming skin overlaid with silky-rough strands of dark hair. "Idiot." She nipped his jaw with her teeth. "The only freedom I ever wanted was the right to love you.

  Nalini Singh

  Wall, Moving, Love You

  Nalini Singh, Maggie Shayne, Erin McCarthy, Jean Johnson, Lora Leigh (2010). “Paranormal Holiday Anthology Trio”, p.305, Penguin

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• That a greater fool than Jane Eyre had never breathed the breath of life; that a more fantastic idiot had never surfeited herself on sweet lies, and swallowed poison as if it were nectar.

  Charlotte Bronte

  Sweet, Lying, Poison

  Charlotte Bronte, Emily Bronte, Anne Bronte (2009). “The Bronte Sisters: Three Novels: Jane Eyre; Wuthering Heights; and Agnes Grey (Penguin Classics Deluxe Edition)”, p.133, Penguin

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• One minute she acts like she wants to be with me and I'm the one rejecting her. The next, she's got this barbed wire fence and barking dogs around her, like I can't even ask her the simplest questions." "And here I was assuming you didn't care about her." Stabbing his fingers through his hair, he groaned, "I don't!" "And you make it perfectly clear." Men. Idiots.

  Jennifer Armintrout

  Dog, Men, Hair

  Jennifer Armintrout (2007). “Blood Ties Book Three: Ashes to Ashes”, p.107, MIRA

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