Alonzo Bodden Quotes

• I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the good old days. I'm black, we have no good old days.

  Alonzo Bodden

  Black, Old Days, Good Old Days

  14 Copy quote

• I like psycho chicks... Yeah, you hook up with a psycho, you're gonna learn something. First thing you learn is how to sleep with one eye open.

  Alonzo Bodden

  Sleep, Eye, Hook

  14 Copy quote

• We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line, let's make it fun for everybody.

  Alonzo Bodden

  Fun, Shoes, Waiting

  9 Copy quote

• I didn't understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a couple of NASCAR fans and you'll see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. And I can make fun of NASCAR fans, because if they chase me, I just turn right.

  Alonzo Bodden

  Couple, Fun, Circles

  9 Copy quote

• Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been along for years... it's called cash.

  Alonzo Bodden

  Women, Years, Trying

  7 Copy quote

• A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that's what I do. I don't start a focus group to see who got hurt by the joke.

  Alonzo Bodden

  Hurt, Laughing, Focus

  9 Copy quote

• Black people don't hijack planes, alright? Now I'll be the first to admit, we steal a lot of stuff, but we do not hijack planes. In fact, in the history of aviation, a black person has never even attempted to hijack a plane. Do you want to know why? Because you can't sell an airplane.

  Alonzo Bodden

  Airplane, People, Black

  7 Copy quote

• I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.

  Alonzo Bodden

  Airplane, School, Wish

  5 Copy quote

• I work out with alot of gay guys at the gym. I do, because my only goal is to get into gay shape. Now, you know what I'm talking about. Gay men are the most ripped kind of... listen... I don't know how strong you have to be to blow a guy, but I'm guessin', there is some muscle involved.

  Alonzo Bodden

  Strong, Gay, Blow

  8 Copy quote

• I have fantasies of burning down an insurance company just so THEY have to make a claim.

  Alonzo Bodden

  Burning Down, Fantasy, Claims

  7 Copy quote

• Latinos outnumber Black people now. I'm not too happy about it. Because it's only a matter of time before we lose our month. Soon as they figure it out, they're going to have Latino History Month. All we're going to have is Cinco de Negro.

  Alonzo Bodden

  People, Black, Matter

  8 Copy quote

• In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.

  Alonzo Bodden

  Mean, Fake, Listening

  8 Copy quote

• There's always something that's going to kill us all. A few years ago, tomatoes were going to kill us and a few years before that it was spinach. The FDA is run by a 7-year-old kid that hates vegetables!

  Alonzo Bodden

  Running, Hate, Kids

  7 Copy quote

• I was on the highway - I saw the scariest thing in the world, man. I saw an Asian driving an SUV. Really, I just drove my car right into the guardrail, figured I'd save him some time.

  Alonzo Bodden

  Men, Car, Asian

  5 Copy quote

• I grew up in the suburbs. I'm an angry suburban nergo. I'm bad in, like, Starbucks. I'll hurt you over a frappuccino.

  Alonzo Bodden

  Hurt, Grew Up, Starbucks

  4 Copy quote

• There are three goals for any comedian: to make a living as a comedian; I've been fortunate to do that. To make a name for yourself and to be famous would be great - because it would give me that freedom.

  Alonzo Bodden

  Names, Giving, Goal

  4 Copy quote

• I'm a black male, over 40, with no kids, living in the suburbs - they wanted to put me in a museum. Why did I move to the suburbs? I started watching Desperate Housewives. If comedy didn't work out I can always try gardening.

  Alonzo Bodden

  Moving, Kids, Museums

  5 Copy quote

• Nothing good ever climbed up the side of a boat.

  Alonzo Bodden

  Sides, Boat

  4 Copy quote

• Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.

  Alonzo Bodden

  Something New, Disappear

  4 Copy quote

• They sold me a duvet cover, and I don't have a duvet, I don't think. Then, they started treating me like I'm the idiot. They're like, 'Do you have a comforter?' 'Yeah.' 'Well, you have to protect it!' I had no idea it was under attack.

  Alonzo Bodden

  Thinking, Ideas, Duvets

  4 Copy quote

• Comedy is the drug, when they laugh it's like I'm a jazz musician and they hear it, and they get it. It's power to take the crowd wherever I want them to go. I love it when they laugh, especially when they relate through laughter. It's a beautiful thing. It also means I'm going to get paid, which is nice.

  Alonzo Bodden

  Beautiful, Laughter, Nice

  4 Copy quote

• I was teaching airplane mechanics when I realized it was more fun to make them laugh. I was laid off one more time and I never looked back, although it was nice to have a steady paycheck and benefits.

  Alonzo Bodden

  Fun, Nice, Teaching

  5 Copy quote

• I ride because there’s nothing like in the world. It’s a passion. It’s something I absolutely have to do and I can never imagine not doing it.

  Alonzo Bodden

  Passion, World, Imagine

  4 Copy quote

• I wasn't always a comic, I used to do honest work.

  Alonzo Bodden

  Honest, Comic, Used

  5 Copy quote

• Watching news showing all the same sex marriages. How long before first same sex divorce?

  Alonzo Bodden

  Sex, Divorce, Long

  4 Copy quote

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