Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Humor, Two

  "Doug Stanhope: Deadbeat Hero". Video, August 24, 2004.

• There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Addiction, Enjoy

  "Before Turning the Gun on Himself". Comedy album by Doug Stanhope, 2012.

• Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Running, Sex

• Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Depression, Suicide

• I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Jobs, Humor

  "Something to Take the Edge Off". Comedy album by Doug Stanhope, 2000.

• If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Believe, Humor

  "Doug Stanhope: Word of Mouth". Comedy, 2002.

• I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Humor, People

• As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Humor, Opening Up

  "Doug Stanhope: Deadbeat Hero". Comedy, 2004.

• Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Humor, People

• If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Baby, Humor

• At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Clueless, Humor

  "Doug Stanhope: No Refunds". Documentary, Comedy, 2007.

• Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Beautiful, Baby

  "Something to Take the Edge Off". Comedy album by Doug Stanhope, 2000.

• What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Humor, Years

• All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Cancer, Humor

  "Doug Stanhope: Deadbeat Hero". Comedy, August 24, 2004.

• I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Humor, Trying

• Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Humor, Drunk

  "Doug Stanhope: Deadbeat Hero". Comedy, August 24, 2004.

• They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Humor, Alcohol

• You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Humor, Abortion

  "Doug Stanhope: Deadbeat Hero". Comedy, 2004.

• I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Humor, Noses

• Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Baby, Humor

  "Doug Stanhope: Deadbeat Hero". Comedy, 2004.

• That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Humor, Comedy

• Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Jesus, Humor

  "Doug Stanhope: No Refunds". Documentary, Comedy, 2007.

• I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Drinking, Humor

  "Doug Stanhope: Word of Mouth". Comedy, November 2002.

• A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Jobs, Real

• I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Hate, Drinking

  "Something to Take the Edge Off", 2000.

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