Week Quotes - Page 23

• Emmett Till and I were about the same age. A week after he was murdered... I stood on a corner with a gang of boys, looking at pictures of him in the black newspapers and magazines. In one, he was laughing and happy. In the other, his head was swollen and bashed in, his eyes bulging out of their sockets, and his mouth twisted and broken... I couldn't get Emmett Till out of my mind, until one evening I thought of a way to get back at white people for his death.

  Muhammad Ali

  Eye, Boys, White

  25 Copy quote

• I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

  Henny Youngman

  Wife, Luck, Lasts

  Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

  11 Copy quote

  Show source

• A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. The man says, Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. I'm sorry, he's on vacation. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's on a big case, not available for a week. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's playing golf today. Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Speaking.

  Henny Youngman

  Sorry, Golf, Men

  14 Copy quote

• I was given two weeks to walk again, so I hooked up with a trainer, and he... had me walking. I'll never forget that, it was grueling.

  Richard Pryor

  Two, Never Forget, Given

  12 Copy quote

• When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said rabies. She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets... I thought she'd been bitten by a Great Dane.

  Woody Allen

  Mother, Dog, Baby

  "Sleeper". www.imdb.com. 1973.

  17 Copy quote

  Show source

• When I eat alone I feel like a seminarian being punished. I tried it for one week and I was not comfortable. Then I searched through Sacred Scripture for something saying I had to eat alone. I found nothing, so I gave it up and it's much better now.

  Pope John XXIII

  Sacred Scripture, Found, Feels

  42 Copy quote

• 55% of all Americans lose their remote control 5 times a week. That means that they must see the same show for up to 3-4 minutes a time!

  Jay Leno

  Mean, Remote Control, Minutes

  5 Copy quote

• I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave.

  Dennis Miller

  Teenager, Insulting, Auctions

  8 Copy quote

• Patience is a particular requirement. Without it, you can destroy in an hour what it might take you weeks to repair.

  Charlie W Shedd

  Might, Requirements, Hours

  12 Copy quote

• We can sit and worry about what's going to happen to us two weeks from now. I'd rather focus on the amazing things happening right in front of us.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Two, Worry, Focus

  "Ellen DeGeneres: Nice Girls Finish First". Interview with David Hochman, www.goodhousekeeping.com. September 10, 2011.

  8 Copy quote

  Show source

• If nobody is clear on what you're protesting, it's not a protest. Thousands of people gathered in London this week to voice their disapproval of the G-20. Their basic message being, Stop all your globalizing and unite the world!

  Bill Maher

  Voice, People, World

  4 Copy quote

• A new biography of Madonna came out last week, and apparently the biography lists all the men she's slept with. The book is apparently called the Manhattan Telephone Directory.

  Bill Maher

  Book, Men, Manhattan

  4 Copy quote

• The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because I have been saying, for the longest time, that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass...and, by god, today they went in and looked for it... They didn't find it. So now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "success" in the same sentence.

  Bill Maher

  Successful, President, Lasts

  "Bill Maher: The Decider". Documentary, Comedy, 2007.

  4 Copy quote

  Show source

• I get facials. I get a manicure and pedicure every week. I get my hair cut, and I oil myself down from head to toe. I got that from my brother. I was so impressed with how high maintenance he was. When he left the room, you could still smell him for an hour.

  Bernie Mac

  Brother, Cutting, Hair

  5 Copy quote

• I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He's down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Jobs, Lying, Ideas

  4 Copy quote

• I wanted to be a veterinarian for about a week of my life when I was a kid. But I found out about the whole euthanasia thing and I said, I can't commit to that, sorry!

  Jim Carrey

  Sorry, Kids, Euthanasia

  MoviesOnline Interview, www.moviesonline.ca. November 12th, 2017.

  24 Copy quote

  Show source

• Your financial cost can best be figured out when you realize that if you were to devote the same time and energy to business instead of gold, you would be a millionaire in approximately six weeks.

  Buddy Hackett

  Gold, Energy, Would Be

  4 Copy quote

• Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

  Demetri Martin

  Men, Class, Differences

  22 Copy quote

• Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Fire, Wife, Making Love

  15 Copy quote

• What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Doctors, Hammers, Balls

  21 Copy quote

• I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Horse, Gun, Gambling

  21 Copy quote

• I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Mean, Boys, Night

  10 Copy quote

• You can never capture a person in picture, never. You might get an interesting expression or gesture. I almost never research a picture subject ahead of time. I think Karsh is full of baloney. Can you imagine spending a whole week out in La Jolla with Jonas Salk soaking up his ambiance, then wind up making him look as if he's in the studio in Ottawa with his thumb under his chin?

  Duane Michals

  Thinking, Expression, Wind

  4 Copy quote

• Do you know what writing a book is? It's sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes.

  Jon Stewart

  Book, Writing, Sitting

  4 Copy quote

• I think you are looking at sexuality and not attributes, and I think it's odd because the conservative mantra is a meritocracy. And I think what you're suggesting is the fact that being gay parents makes you not as good as others. And I would suggest that a loving, gay family with a financially secure background beats the hell out of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline any day of the week.

  Jon Stewart

  Gay, Thinking, Parent

  "Mike Huckabee, Part 2". "The Daily Show" official website, December 09, 2008.

  7 Copy quote

  Show source