Week Quotes - Page 26

• I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.

  Doug Stanhope

  Strong, Guy, Trying

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• Do you know how many times a week people ask me why I'm yelling?

  Bill Burr

  Yelling, People, Ask Me

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• In football two days is a long time and a week is a very long time.

  Steve McClaren

  Football, Two, Long

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• So on the Tuesday night deadline, while Abu Qatada was appealing to European Court judges, the Home Secretary, who thought the deadline was Monday night, was partying with "X Factor" judges. When the Home Secretary is accused of not knowing what day of the week it is, confusion and chaos have turned into farce.

  Yvette Cooper

  Monday, Party, Home

  Yvette Cooper during House of Commons Debates, www.publications.parliament.uk. April 19, 2012.

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• I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down.

  Bill Engvall

  Sick, Taste, Peanut Butter

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• It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.

  Bill Engvall

  Moving, Wife, House

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• Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.

  Bill Engvall

  Sex, War, Pieces

  "Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again". Comedy, Documentary, 2004.

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• I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake he's got to clean it off. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guy's in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week... it's funny... you're not supposed to have a heart attack, it kills the joke.

  Christopher Titus

  Father, Heart, Cake

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

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• A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Three, Tails

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

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• My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an amazing poet, who was raised by this woman, and was dating a guy who broke up with her for the fourth time in three weeks. And one day, she came to his house, got a gun, and blew her brains out all over his headboard. I just went through a divorce, five years in court and cost me $2 million dollars. If anyone, by law, should be forced to take antidepressants it's me... But instead, I choose to be an antidepressant. And you can take me with alcohol.

  Christopher Titus

  Mom, Home, Divorce

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.

  Eugene Mirman

  Beer, Awkward, Alchemist

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• About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Kids, Who Cares, Months

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• My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Religious, Girlfriend, Wall

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• It's a pity I am so impatient and careless, as any ordinary person could learn all the techniques of photography in a week. It is the democratic art, i.e. technical skill is practically eliminated - the more foolproof cameras become with focusing and exposure gadgets the better - and artistic quality depends only on choice of subject.

  W. H. Auden

  Photography, Art, Skills

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• A football team is really a big family. There's a give and take... but a few are working for their name only. They go the whole week trying to figure out who said something, what they said and where it happened instead of showing that they're big men.

  Otto Rehhagel

  Football, Team, Men

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• I just got a new iPod. It's got 80 gigabytes. Because I like to jog for three weeks at a time and I do not want to hear the same song twice.

  Arj Barker

  Song, Ipods, Want

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• I could've enjoyed a cigarette if I smoked back before everyone knew it was bad - say, like, 1923. Everybody smoked back then. There was no medical information against it; they had no idea - it was a paradise. It was a smoker's paradise: 'They're taking my lung out next week. I don't know why. Doctor thinks maybe I'm brushing my teeth too often, but I can't help it because, for some reason, my breath smells like I licked a monkey's ass.

  Arj Barker

  Thinking, Doctors, Next Week

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• If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.

  Dana Gould

  Children, War, Coffee

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• It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

  Dana Gould

  Country, Nice, House

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• Why does Louis CK get named Comedy Person of the Year? I should be named Comedy Person of the Year just so I can parlay it into another few weeks of road work.

  Andy Kindler

  Years, Doe, Comedy

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• Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.

  Felipe Esparza

  Writing, Heckling, Comedy

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• In the early days I was on the road 45-50 weeks a year, driving from gig to gig 6-8 weeks in a row. Not everyone can do that. The show becomes the easy part. Tt's the life on the road that is the hardest... and you can't get any good at standup unless you do the road.

  Henry Cho

  Years, Gigs, Driving

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• A lot of weird ads. Sally Struthers with that little kid: 'Just 55 cents, the price of a cup of coffee, feeds this kid and his family for a week.' Yeah, where is that? 'Cause I wanna move there.

  Robert Schimmel

  Coffee, Moving, Kids

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• Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?

  Dov Davidoff

  Knows

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• The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.

  Christian Finnegan

  Blue, People, Village

  "Best Week Ever with Paul F. Tompkins". TV Series, www.imdb.com.

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