Hey Quotes - Page 17

• The Los Angeles Times reported that sixty-three percent of American families are now considered dysfunctional. Good. 'Cause that means when Armageddon really happens, thirty-seven percent of this population is going to lose their minds. Oh my God, the world is over! Us sixty-three percent? We're going to go, Hey... there's no one watching the Lexus dealership! We're going to the Apocalypse with leather and a CD changer! You guys have been great. Thank you.

  Christopher Titus

  Mean, Cds, Guy

  "Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding". Comedy, One-man Show, www.imdb.com. June 06, 2004.

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• My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say "Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha."

  Christopher Titus

  Mom, Husband, Dad

  "Christopher Titus: Love Is Evol". Comedy, www.imdb.com. 2009.

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• I was actually on two reality shows, which is crazy. Just to think that, out there, there was some guy, like flipping through the channels, being like, 'Hey, I 69'd her on a cruise ship.

  Amy Schumer

  Crazy, Reality, Thinking

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• Very neat for a boy; always cleaned up his mess, no matter where he got it on me. He's Hispanic, so he's like, 'Now who's the wetback?' I'm like, 'Hey, still you. Get back in the kitchen, those dishes aren't going to do themselves.

  Amy Schumer

  Boys, Kitchen, Matter

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• I never learn. Like a waitress will bring my meal. Hey, enjoy your meal. You, too. But you don't have one, do ya? I'm a dufus. If you do eat enjoy it when you eat it if you have a break or something, later. If you get an opportunity. That's all I'm trying to say.

  Brian Regan

  Opportunity, Trying, Meals

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• You ever say a phrase you say all the time at the wrong time, feel like a complete idiot? Something like, 'You, too. You, too.' I was getting out of the cab at the airport, and the driver goes, 'Hey, have a nice flight.' 'You, too. You, too. You have a nice flight, too - in case you ever fly some day.

  Brian Regan

  Nice, Airports, Phrases

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• So when you do board, the first class people, they're sitting there. A lot of them are working as your boarding. They have computers out and calculators. They're looking up at you like, Hey, we're making money right now!

  Brian Regan

  Class, People, Boards

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• I don't know what in the hell's going on with cranberries, but they're getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman is for cranberries is doing a great job. He's showing up everywhere. Hey, what do you got, some apples? Put some cranberries in there. We'll call it cran-apple and go 50-50. What do you got grapes? How about cran-grape. What do you got mangos? Cran-mango. What do you got pork chops? Cran-chops. Why don't you back off, cran-man. Why don't you take your sales trophy and have a vacation.

  Brian Regan

  Jobs, Men, Vacation

  "Comedy Central Presents" ("Brian Regan"), September 06, 2000.

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• I was in a real conservative area just outside of Chicago recently. And this guy's like, 'Hey, Arj, you're from San Francisco. Are you in favor of gay marriage?' I was like, 'Well, I'd like to get to know you a little bit better first. I don't know what ever happened to buying a guy a smoothie and seeing what happens. That's how we do it back home.

  Arj Barker

  Real, Home, Gay

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• All these words we use, anybody can be a genius now. It used to be you had to have a thought no one ever had before or you had to invent a number. Now, it’s like, “Hey, I’ve got a cup in case we need another cup.” “Dude, you’re a genius!”

  Louis C. K.

  Numbers, Needs, Genius

  "The Collected Wisdom of Louis C.K." by Bradford Evans, www.vulture.com. February 26, 2013.

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• I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!

  Dana Gould

  Real, Hard Times, Cities

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• Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!

  Dana Gould

  Mirrors, Guy, Ponds

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• Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

  Dana Gould

  Gay, Looks, News

  FaceBook post by Dana Gould from Jun 13, 2012

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• In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.

  Dana Gould

  Airplane, Effort, Looks

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• When you're missing your two front teeth, that's honesty. That is a door to your oral history. You're not covering anything up. You're saying, 'Hey world, I'm missing my front teeth. I'm gross; I'm dirty; I'm poor. I clearly have no problem with public urination and eating garbage. Don't come near me, I'll gum you to death!

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Honesty, Dirty, Two

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• Oh, I know: If you're fat, let's not blame you, let's sue McDonalds! Oh, for cryin' out loud, hey, if you smoke, not your fault, it's the tobacco company's fault! Hey, if you shoot somebody, not your fault, let's blame the gun industry!

  Brad Stine

  Gun, Mcdonalds, Smoking

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• Jewish people, we don't believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. We're suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much we've suffered. Passover - we're celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. We're celebrating, 'Hey, thank God we didn't get slaughtered.

  Andy Kindler

  Believe, Holiday, Years

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• I'm half-Mexican - get used to it 'cause in about five to 10 years, you're all gonna be related to one. Whether you like it or not, no matter how much you prepared your family, you're gonna show up at Thanksgiving one of these years, you're gonna walk in and say, 'Hey! What's happening? Since when did we start serving flan?' Well, what's happening is that somebody's boning a Latino.

  Al Madrigal

  Years, Mexican, Half

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• Hey, I work one full hour a day!

  Frank Caliendo

  Hours

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• Kim Kardashian is single again. Hey, great. Maybe that will give the NBA players something to do during the lockout.

  Frank Caliendo

  Player, Nba, Giving

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• Guys don't use the word pretty enough. Like, hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you.

  Dov Davidoff

  Games, Guy, Looks

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• I like to go to England, and I'll tell you why. I like to go to a country where I am considered the best-looking person. It's as simple as that. Hollywood, kind of a crushing ego blow - 'Hey Buddy Holly, you are so old, have you not perished in a plane crash?' But not in England, good God, not there. In England, God bless that dinky island, there it's, 'Good God, look at him. He has all his teeth and his ears are in proportion to his head.' I'm Brad bloody Pitt on that island.

  Greg Proops

  Crush, Country, Blow

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• Hey man! I'm a comedian but I'm not a clown.

  Godfrey

  Men, Comedian, Clown

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• You know what the bodega is? It's the little Latin store, and they try to act like it's a grocery store. It has two aisles. And the guy, he always tries to help me, 'You looking for the bread?' I was like, 'Dude, I can see it right here, alright.' He's like, 'Hey, hey, it's in aisle two.' That's all you got, what are you talking about?

  Godfrey

  Latin, Talking, Two

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• I hate phone calls so I believe in a telephone armistice. To me, the idea of calling someone unprompted is basically saying, 'Hey, stop whatever you're doing and talk to me right now.

  Alexis Ohanian

  Hate, Believe, Phones

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