Iliza Shlesinger Quotes

• You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Thinking, People, Care

  27 Copy quote

• You can't go to the bathroom alone... you might not come back. Cause no girl's ever been to the bathroom alone and survived. It's true. The last woman that attempted it, it was 1937 and her name was Amelia Earhart.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Girl, Names, Might

  30 Copy quote

• Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Passion, Work Out, Way

  30 Copy quote

• Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I'll go with the fries.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Tunnels, Giving, Fries

  23 Copy quote

• If I could have any job I would be a cat... but that's not something I'm supposed to talk about in public.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Jobs, Cat, Would Be

  19 Copy quote

• Ladies, just know that when you grow your hair too long, you got about two inches difference between really hot, sexy supermodel - religious fanatic. Hot Maxim cover girl everybody wants a mouth kiss - unhealthy faith in your lord. Soft, silky, shiny hair everyone wants to touch - one of 12 brides.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Girl, Sexy, Religious

  19 Copy quote

• I wasn't a 'hot chick' in high school. I was 'funny' and a tomboy and probably a little uncomfortable with my amazing boobs.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  School, Hot, Littles

  14 Copy quote

• I learned this one growing up in Texas and, subsequently, living in Los Angeles: always use the 'usted' form when speaking to a Spanish official. Mexican border patrol cops don't like it when you call them 'amigo,' give them a hardy pat on the back, slip a $20 in their pocket. No bueno, it doesn't fly. By the way, those of you not laughing at that obviously took French in high school, and that was a gay choice.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Growing Up, School, Gay

  28 Copy quote

• Everyone has their personal topics. My comedy has always been very strong on observational humor, it stems from what I see every day in my life.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Strong, Topics, Comedy

  21 Copy quote

• I was in New York last Christmas - it's snowing; there's a guy in a t-shirt. I'm like, 'Dude, aren't you cold?' 'No, I'm from New York. I don't get cold.' Just 'cause you're from a cold place doesn't mean you're genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. You're not a penguin. I was like, 'In fact, sir, you're Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  New York, Mean, Snow

  20 Copy quote

• It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It's not so much about being a girl, it's about being a funny comic.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Girl, World, Able

  21 Copy quote

• As a comedian, as an entertainer, there's a lot of downtime. Once you can accept that comedy is a marathon, not a sprint, it gets a little easier.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Acceptance, Comedian, Downtime

  16 Copy quote

• The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Party, People, Reason

  11 Copy quote

• I don't tend to like race jokes. I don't like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I'm both. Well, I'm not black - but if I was then I could dance better.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Race, Black, Uncomfortable

  16 Copy quote

• When you're missing your two front teeth, that's honesty. That is a door to your oral history. You're not covering anything up. You're saying, 'Hey world, I'm missing my front teeth. I'm gross; I'm dirty; I'm poor. I clearly have no problem with public urination and eating garbage. Don't come near me, I'll gum you to death!

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Honesty, Dirty, Two

  18 Copy quote

• When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Girl, Games, Bars

  15 Copy quote

• I don't hate other women. Let me rephrase that: I hate other women and men - people in general can be annoying - but I've never disliked a woman for being beautiful.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Beautiful, Hate, Men

  12 Copy quote

• I don't come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Writing, Ideas, Trying

  12 Copy quote

• When you get off stage, the audience should know a little bit about you. Not where you are from, but how you see the world. And that's the difference between like a Chris Rock joke, and like an open-miker.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Differences, Rocks, World

  13 Copy quote

• It said, 'War Is Not the Answer.' I disagree. I think war absolutely is the answer. And if you don't agree with me, happy Fourth of July.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  War, Thinking, July

  7 Copy quote

• I always wished my dad was there to intimidate my boyfriends or something. It's supposed to be your dad giving your guys friends the stink-eye for sneaking beer through your house, not your mom.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Mom, Dad, Eye

  10 Copy quote

• We've all been there, onstage. You say something you don't mean, you make fun of something on accident but... This wasn't that. This wasn't crowd work. This was a rehearsed set. This was pointed.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Fun, Mean, Crowds

  9 Copy quote

• You're not a road comic till you've watched Real Sex and American Greed alone in your hotel room.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Sex, Real, Greed

  4 Copy quote

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