Louis C. K. Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• I read something in the paper that really confused me the other day. It said that 80 percent of the people in New York are minorities. Shouldn't you not call them minorities when they get to be 80 percent of the population? That's a very white attitude, don't you think? I mean, you could take a white guy to Africa and he'd be like 'Look at all the minorities around here! I'm the only majority.'

  Louis C. K.

  New York, Attitude, Confused

  43 Copy quote

• Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.

  Louis C. K.

  Thinking, Laughing, Should

  "Louis C.K.: The Proust Questionnaire". Vanity Fair Interview, www.vanityfair.com. January 2013.

  19 Copy quote

• The part that's difficult is being single, at 41, after 10 years of marriage and two kids. That's like having a bunch of money in a currency of a country that doesn't exist anymore.

  Louis C. K.

  Country, Being Single, Kids

  24 Copy quote

• Bill Gates has 90 billion dollars ... If I had 90 billion dollars, I wouldn't have it for long because I would just dream of all the crazy stuff I could do with it. This guy, 90 billion dollars. He could buy every baseball team and make them all wear dresses and still have 88 billion dollars.

  Louis C. K.

  Baseball, Dream, Team

  25 Copy quote

• [about being a father] I don't really remember what it was like before. Whatever I had going on, it was bullshit. It wasn't important. It's kind of a nice thing about being a dad. My identity is really about them now, and what I can do for them, so it sort of takes the pressure off of your own life. What am I going to do, who am I? Who cares, you've got to get your kids to school. So I like it that way.

  Louis C. K.

  Dad, Nice, School

  "Louis C.K. is more upset by people being mean to Tracy Morgan than homophobia". Interview with Slate, www.slate.com. June 17, 2011.

  28 Copy quote

• I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of.

  Louis C. K.

  Travel, Bores You, Useless Things

  25 Copy quote

• I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, "What's wrong with you?" And I'm like, "I know! Damn it! Argh!"

  Louis C. K.

  Funny, Hate, Fighting

  18 Copy quote

• Human kindness has no reward. You should give to others in every way you see. expect absolutely nothing from anyone. It should be your goal to love every human you encounter. All human suffering that you're aware of and continues without your effort to stop it becomes your crime.

  Louis C. K.

  Love, Inspirational, Kindness

  19 Copy quote

• People say, 'My phone sucks.' No, it doesn’t! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.

  Louis C. K.

  Thinking, Phones, People

  "Louis C.K: Hilarious". DVD live concert by Louis C. K., January 11, 2011.

  17 Copy quote

• I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.

  Louis C. K.

  Father, Citizens, Good Father

  17 Copy quote

• People come back from flights and tell you a story like it's a horror story. That's how bad they make it sound. They're like, 'It was the worst day of my life. We didn't board for 20 minutes and they made us sit there on the runway for 40 minutes.' Oh really? What happened next? Did you fly in the air, incredibly, like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight you non-contributing zero?'

  Louis C. K.

  Inspirational, Funny, Travel

  38 Copy quote

• It's hard having kids because it's boring... It's just being with them on the floor while they be children. They read Clifford the Big Red Dog to you at a rate of 50 minutes a page, and you have to sit there and be horribly proud and bored at the same time.

  Louis C. K.

  Dog, Children, Kids

  24 Copy quote

• I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining. ... "Sir, could you please stop?"

  Louis C. K.

  Funny, Phones, Dallas

  15 Copy quote

• If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

  Louis C. K.

  Funny, Romantic, Sick

  12 Copy quote

• If you're older, you're smarter. I just believe that. If you're in an argument with someone older than you, you should listen to 'em ... even if they're wrong, their wrongness is rooted in more information than you have.

  Louis C. K.

  Believe, Thinking, Laughing

  "Louis C.K. Oh My God". Documentary, Comedy, 2013.

  17 Copy quote

• My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

  Louis C. K.

  Kids, Math, Thanks

  "Give parents some choice! Our kids' education should not be controlled by a monopoly" by John Stossel, www.foxnews.com. September 23, 2014.

  57 Copy quote

• The only time you should look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.

  Louis C. K.

  Kindness, Comedian, Looks

  "Louie: Pregnant". TV Series, tv.avclub.com. 2011.

  33 Copy quote

• Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.

  Louis C. K.

  Lying, Reality, People

  32 Copy quote

• Here's how my brain works: It's stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis.

  Louis C. K.

  Self, Hatred, Stupidity

  23 Copy quote

• Comedians work great as actors because they're good under pressure. With a lot of actors, you have to make them feel like everything's going really well to get a good performance out of them. But, if you have a comedian on the set, you can tell them, 'Hey, you really are screwing this up,' and then they just get better.

  Louis C. K.

  Comedian, Get Better, Hey

  "Louis C.K. Talks LOUIE Season 3, Writing, Directing and Starring in Every Episode, Having Jerry Seinfeld and Robin Williams Guest Star and More". Interview with Christina Radish, collider.com. July 7, 2012.

  15 Copy quote

• It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen.

  Louis C. K.

  Fun, Experience, Happens

  "Meet Louis CK: the nicest guy in massively offensive comedy" by James Kettle, www.theguardian.com. March 18, 2011.

  7 Copy quote

• Dating is horrible, it's awful. I don't get it. It's like you're standing there: 'Hi. Do you want to have sex and later wish you hadn't?' It's horrible. And it's awkward at 42 because I don't have the body or the drive. I just sit in the car and hope somebody gets in.

  Louis C. K.

  Sex, Dating, Car

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  24 Copy quote

• Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it.

  Louis C. K.

  Editors, Feelings, Comedian

  18 Copy quote

• I just don't trust any of it. Every time I read something about how there's been another ridiculous climb of the Dow Jones, there's a part of me that goes, “This can't be good.” None of this is real money. You know what I mean? It's not like there's actually more of anything. It's just ideas. When people are getting richer and richer but they're not actually producing anything, it can't end well.

  Louis C. K.

  Real, Mean, Thinking

  "Louis C.K.: 'Starvation Can Be Character Building'". Interview with Eric Spitznagel, www.vanityfair.com. March 2, 2009.

  12 Copy quote

• Maybe God is an asshole...of course not, he's not an asshole, he's imaginary.

  Louis C. K.

  Imaginary, Courses

  12 Copy quote

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