California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.
Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.
He's so small, he's a waste of skin.
Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans.
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.
The world is a grindstone and life is your nose
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.
I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises.
He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument.
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.
Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
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