Daniel Tosh Quotes - Page 3

Quotes about:

• God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

  Daniel Tosh

  Hate, Gay, People

  21 Copy quote

• If Canada were really that great, it would be a state.

  Daniel Tosh

  Would Be, Canada, States

  11 Copy quote

• I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

  Daniel Tosh

  Hate, Gun, Ideas

  27 Copy quote

• I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Jesus, Eye

  32 Copy quote

• You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live
  your dream.

  Daniel Tosh

  Dream, Cereal, Puffins

  "Happy Thoughts". Comedy album by Daniel Tosh, 2011.

  27 Copy quote

• Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

  Daniel Tosh

  Real, America, Realizing

  22 Copy quote

• A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough.

  Daniel Tosh

  Running, White, People

  19 Copy quote

• Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off - don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell.

  Daniel Tosh

  Jesus, Hate, Crazy

  13 Copy quote

• That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Guy, Asian

  33 Copy quote

• Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.

  Daniel Tosh

  White, Boxers, Matter

  18 Copy quote

• We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk?

  Daniel Tosh

  Play, Names, People

  Song: Four, Album: Happy Thoughts, 2011

  31 Copy quote

• My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.

  Daniel Tosh

  Kissing, Giving, Favorites Things

  6 Copy quote

• If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.

  Daniel Tosh

  Tonight, Lines, Apologizing

  9 Copy quote

• If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?

  Daniel Tosh

  Garden, Eden, Looks

  19 Copy quote

• You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!

  Daniel Tosh

  Bully, Bombs, Shut Up

  20 Copy quote

• Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

  Daniel Tosh

  Answers, Homeless, Riddle

  24 Copy quote

• The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.

  Daniel Tosh

  Dog, Cat, World

  15 Copy quote

• No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.

  Daniel Tosh

  Two Sides, Matter, Pancakes

  34 Copy quote

• I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, War, Drinking

  16 Copy quote

• Comedy Central wanted to do a show with me, I had a couple failures under my belt with them already, but they still wanted to try something else. They came to me and said they wanted to do something that was internet focused and created original content on their site, so they could compete with the funny or dies and what not. So that was the premise, and they gave us a small amount of money, $5000, and from there it turned into the show.

  Daniel Tosh

  Couple, Trying, Comedy

  "Byt Interview: Daniel Tosh". brightestyoungthings.com. November 4, 2010.

  28 Copy quote

• How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes?

  Daniel Tosh

  New York, Crash, Planes

  13 Copy quote

• I'm not honest, but you're interesting!

  Daniel Tosh

  Interesting, Honest, Not Honest

  "Comedy Central Presents/ Daniel Tosh". Documentary, Comedy, July 25, 2003.

  25 Copy quote

• I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.

  Daniel Tosh

  Pain, Kids, Thinking

  "Mr. Daniel Tosh coming to NAU". The Lumberjack Interview, www.jackcentral.org. September 11, 2008.

  21 Copy quote

• I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Ocean, Men

  23 Copy quote

• Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

  Daniel Tosh

  Writing, Rapper, Southern

  18 Copy quote

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