We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
A wealthy man is one who earns $100 a year more than his wife's sister's husband.
Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband.
Wife: one who is sorry she did it, but would undoubtedly do it again.
Only a jackass ever talks over his affairs with a woman, whether she be his sweetheart, wife, or sister, or mother.
Suicide is a belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.
Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest.
Popularity--The capacity for listening sympathetically when men boast of their wives and women complain of their husbands.
When a husband's story is believed, he begins to suspect his wife.
Wife: a former sweetheart.
No man could bring himself to reveal his true character, and, above all, his true limitations as a citizen and a Christian, his true meannesses, his true imbecilities, to his friends, or even to his wife. Honest autobiography is therefore a contradiction in terms: the moment a man considers himself, even in petto, he tries to gild and fresco himself. Thus a man's wife, however realistic her view of him, always flatters him in the end, for the worst she sees in him is appreciably better, by the time she sees it, than what is actually there.
Love, to the inferior man, remains almost wholly a physical matter. The heroine he most admires is the one who offers the grossest sexual provocation; the hero who makes his wife roll her eyes is a perambulating phallus.
The double standard of morality will survive in this world so long as the woman whose husband has been lured away is favoured with the sympathetic tears of other women, and a man whose wife has made off is laughed at by other men.
Great artists are modest almost as seldom as they are faithful to their wives.
Christian - One who is willing to serve three Gods, but draws the line at one wife.
When you sympathize with a married woman you either make two enemies or gain one wife and one friend.
Don't tell me what delusion he entertains regarding God, or what mountebank he follows in politics, or what he springs from, or what he submits to from his wife. Simply tell me how he makes his living. It is the safest and surest of all known tests. A man who gets his board and lodging on this ball in an ignominious way is inevitably an ignominious man.
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